I saw you there on Christmas day
In my ear I heard you say
Thank God the year is finally over – Paper Route

This past Sunday was a long day. The girls both were both sick so everyone was packed in the house all weekend. Since we couldn’t take them to church, we missed the service. The girls became listless and grouchy as the weekend went along and because of that, mom and dad became listless and grouchy. By the end of Sunday, everyone was in a pretty dark mood, but the girls had finally recovered enough that we could renew an age old tradition of driving around looking at Christmas lights.

We packed up the girls in their pajamas and blankets, picked up some coffee, put on some Christmas songs, and drive around some of the nearby neighborhoods, knowing which ones have the best Christmas lights. When we entered Walker’s Ridge, the girls exclaimed “pretty lights!” and “woah!” and after a tumultous day, there was peace and joy in the car in the evening.

Sunday was a pretty apt metaphor for this whole year. If Sunday was a long day, then this year has been a long year. I find it funny that I boldly declared in last year’s Darkest Night of the Year essay that I would not subject myself to fear and anxiety when it seems like fear and anxiety smothered me this year. I fought worry, anxiety, depression, frustration and disapointment at work and contended with the caring of two two-year olds at home. I ate poorly and stopped exercising. It was not a good combination. By the time my winter vacation started from work, I was limping across the finish line and just glad for the year to be effectively over. I know there are still a couple weeks left in 2009, but all that’s left to do is be a father and that’s a lot easier when you aren’t logging hours and hours of time at the office.

Twelve years ago, when I first took the Winter Solstice (The Darkest Night of the Year) to stop and reflect on my life, I decided there were things in my life that needed to change, both circumstances around me and also my attiude in coping with things. Here I am again, twelve years later, needing to make changes again, both in cirmcumstances around me and in my attitude. Some things will surely change, the girls won’t always be terrible twos, but I’m not sure in what else is going to change. Nonetheless, change things must. I’ll be taking a good hard look at how I’m handling life and what I can change over the next couple of weeks.

I’m thankful for the Darkest Night of the Year and that Christmas immediately follows it. I’m thankful that Christmas and New Year’s represents newness and a fresh start. January 1 may not really be any different of a day than December 31, but at least it’s a chance to think about making changes. I’m thankful God gives us a chance to make changes in our life and throw away the the parts that damage ourselves and damage others. I’m thankful that the baby, the Christ, takes those things and bears them on his shoulders for us, for without the cross, there can be no Christmas.

I’m not making any bold declarations this year on The Darkest Night of the Year. I don’t know what 2010 is going to bring. What I do know (and hope) is that the end of 2010 will be different from the end of 2009.