(773 Techwood Drive, the house of a certain beloved fraternity. It is Finals week and some of the brothers and friends are just hanging around the house as they are wont to do when Rob Kischuk enters)

KISCHUK: Ya know, it really sucks that ACOG is kicking us off of Tech  this summer.

(nods of agreement and "yeahs" from the brothers)

OPIE: We oughta' do somethin' to keep the house during the summer.

WOODY: Yeah, but what?

ROHATS: Hey I got an idea!

(Dan shares his idea with the fraternity. The brothers grumble and

growl and throw cups and other objects at him. Suddenly, Brian

Lutmer stands up)

LUTMER: (wide-eyed) Naw. Naw. It's crazy enough that it just might work.....

(We now fast-forward to July......)

FRIDAY JULY 19, 1996 DAY 1

(Opening Ceremonies at Olympic Stadium, NBC Broadcast)

COSTAS: And now the parade of athletes, Greece is the first to enter.....

(Underneath the Olympic Stadium, the sole representative of The Cayman Islands waits to enter the stadium when a big man confronts him.)

DEREK: Give me the flag.

(The athlete stares wide-eyed at Derek Hardison)

DEREK: I said, give me the flag.

(The athlete hands Derek the flag. David Hathcock steps out from behind Derek.)

HATHCOCK: Run, boy.

(The athlete takes off, screaming into the Atlanta night. Sometime later in the NBC broadcast....)

COSTAS: ... and that was the Thailand representatives, and now entering the stadium ... who is that?

ENBERG: I don't know Bob. It is a group of 60 or 70 men with a makeshift sign made of posterboard. It seems to have Greek letters.

COSTAS: They are Greek letters, they are the letters Theta and Xi. Apparently there is a last minute entry into the Olympic games.

ENBERG: This is an unusual circumstance, Bob. Apparently this is a college fraternity from Georgia Tech. Never before has _fraternity_ entered an Olympic competition.

COSTAS: We can be assured that the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta will indeed be unusual.

(Later into the evening, the torch is about to enter the stadium. Evander Holyfield emerges from the tunnel to the cheers of thousands)

COSTAS: Evander Holyfield, a native of Atlanta. He will run the torch around the track.

ENBERG: ... so the famous boxer makes way around the track.

COSTAS: ... and into the track!

(a collective OH! as Evander Holyfield trips and drops the torch.)

COSTAS: Evander Holyfield has tripped in front of the Theta Xi contingent!

ENBERG: He is getting up .... and chasing one of the Theta Xi athletes!

COSTAS: Apparently, his leg was sticking out onto the track. I can't hear clearly, but the athlete seems to be yelling "Oh, suck!"

(Holyfield chases Sammy Simmons right out of the stadium with Simmons screaming "Ohsuck, ohsuck, ohsuck, ohsuck!!!" all the way out.)

(Down in the seats, the Opening Ceremonies Flag Corp are watching the whole thing. A girl sitting next to Sarah Hennesey nudges her)

FLAG CORP GIRL: Hey, you know him, don't you.

SARAH: (Hands over her face) No, I've never seen him before in my life.

COSTAS: So now the torch is lying on the ground, someone has to pick it up.

(Down on the field...)

SOBERS: Oooh. Fire. (He runs and grabs the torch.)

COSTAS: It looks like one of the Theta Xi athletes has picked up the torch and is running towards the cauldron.

ENBERG: He is scaling the cauldron tower. This is amazing, Bob. I have never seen anything like this before! Oh my!

COSTAS: The Theta Xi athlete is now climbing the staircase.

(Sobers reaches the top and the crowd cheers. He turns and lights the caldron which explodes and lights up the entire top of the tower.)

GEYLING: Aiigh! Sobers!

(Alex Geyling makes a sprint for the tower. He climbs up the tower to the top with a bucket of water and douses Sobers.)

SOBERS: Thanks, Alex.

(Later that evening......)

COSTAS: And so the 1996 games are off to an unusual start. The secret of who would light the torch was such a secret, that even ACOG didn't know that a Theta Xi athlete would light the torch. In fact, ACOG didn't even know that these athletes would be here today. When interviewed afterwards, Theta Xi Micheal Sobers said "It was cool. I've always liked fire." Most of the third-degree burns should heal quickly. His comrade, Alex Geyling, a firefighter in his leisure time, reacted quickly, putting out the fire that engulfed Sobers. As for Sammy Simmons, the athlete who tripped Evander Holyfield, his beaten body was found in an alleyway on the Atlanta streets. Apparently, while receiving his beating from the heavyweight champion, he reached up and slapped Holyfields face screaming "Oh, I slapped your face!" thus angering the boxer even more. Simmons is in critical but stable condition at Grady Hospital. Join us tommorow for our coverage of the 1996 Olympic Games when Gymnastics, Water Polo, Shooting, and the Dream Team take center stage and perhaps, even an interview from one of the members of this renegade Theta Xi team.

SATURDAY JULY 20, 1996 DAY 2

(NBC Broadcast)

COSTAS: Good afternoon. Last night, the Olympic games in Atlanta were started in a spectacular fashion. Among the biggest surprises was the last-minute entry of a Greek fraternity that has declared their sovereignty as an independant state. The brothers of the Theta Xi fraternity of Georgia Tech have somehow been entered into many of the events in these games. Today we will talk to Neil Jones, the coordinator of their organizing committee, which they have named TXCOG. Good morning, Mr. Jones.

NEIL: (lightly punching Costas on the shoulder) How are you doin', Bob?

COSTAS: Um, just fine. Mr. Jones, what was the motivation behind declaring your fraternity an autonomous state.

NEIL: Well, Bob. We had just built this new fraternity house, and we wanted a chance to live in it and we thought "Wouldn't it be neat to compete in the Olympic games?" Isn't that wonderful?

COSTAS: It certainly is. Is this defection from the United States permenant?

NEIL: No, no, no. Oh no. We plan to apply for assylum and renounce our citzenship and become American citizens again after the closing ceremonies. Until then, we have chosen mush-mouth as our national language. Der?

COSTAS: Um, yes. So do you feel that you have any athletes that can compete with the world's best?

NEIL: Well, I guess we'll find out won't we.

COSTAS: Indeed. This is not the first time a small group has seceeded from America. One only needs to think back to the famed Conch Republic of Key West. (Pauses) But perhaps we have exceeded even that bizarre incident. Coming up next, the men's air pistol competion, this is NBC.

(Commercial)

(Wolf Creek Range, Chris Hardy, David Hathcock, and Todd Hanlin stand by the athlete's tent.)

TODD: Now you understand all the rules and know what to do?

CHRIS: Uh, yeah Todd. We shoot the targets.

TODD: Gah, I know that. Just don't embarrass us. I have to go make sure Rick gets to the Dome for Gymnastics.

(Chris and Dave line up to take their shots. Chris takes a few shots when he notices a squirrel running across the field. He turns his gun and plugs the squirrel from a distance.)

CHRIS: Cool.

(Meanwhile, Dave fires one or two shots, sniffs, drops the air pistol and pulls out a Magnum .357. He fires all shots out of the gun, obliterating the target.)

JUDGE 1: I'm not gonna tell him he's disqualified. You want to tell him?

JUDGE 2: I'm not gonna tell him. You tell him.

(Back to the NBC Studio)

COSTAS: And so Theta Xi claims their first medal. David Hathcock has won the silver medal in the shooting competition. Teammate Chris Hardy finished in 30th place, but proudly took home the squirrel trophy he garnered at the competition. (Pauses) It's going to be a long two weeks. Coming up next, the Men's Gymnastics.

(Commercial)

TESH: Welcome to the Georgia Dome for the Men's Compulsories Gymnastics. The Russian men are the favorites, and the Americans are hoping to field a strong team. The new entry, Theta Xi, is represented by one sole athlete, Rick Copeland

(On the gymastics floor Rick Copeland stands next to Coach John Jones and coordinator Todd Hanlin.)

SKIPPY: So is this really safe, Todd?

TODD: Trust me, Rick. It's as easy as falling off a horse. (pause) Wait, let me give a better analogy.

SKIPPY: I haven't done gymnastics since I was eight.

TODD: Gah, get out there, you dork.

TESH: .... and now, Copeland is approaching the ... uneven bars.

JON JONES: Uh, Rick. That's a women's event.

SKIPPY: Oh. Right.

TESH: Copeland is now heading for the floor excercise.

(Copeland proceeds to do some cartwheels, tumbles and some other easy gymnastics stuff. He then prepares for a somersault.)

TESH: That's one, two, three, four somersaults, and now the landing... Um, he's still going.

COMMENTATOR: ... and right into the judges box, John.

TESH: Somehow, I doubt that landing in the Bulgarian judge's lap will do anything to increase Copeland's score.... and here's the score. A dissapointing 3.594. That's going to hurt his chances to make overall.

(In a daze, Rick walks over to the Russian coach)

SKIPPY: How did I do?

JON JONES: Uh, Rick. I'm over here.

SKIPPY: Oh, how did I do?

JON JONES: Um, let's move on to the pommel horse.

(Commerical)

TESH: .... a successful rotation for the Ukranians as they move up to second place. Now, here is Rick Copeland on the pommel horse.

(Copeland proceeds to spin around the horse in a decent routine. Until, disaster strikes. The entire Georgia Dome collectively groans)

COMMENTATOR: That's got to hurt.

TESH: Copeland is just sitting on the horse. He doesn't appear to be moving.

COMMENTOR: He just sitting there, straddling the horse. No wait, now he is sliding off the side... and onto the floor.

TESH: It appears that he will be unable to complete the routine.

COMMENTOR: It appears that he will be unable to stand up.

TESH: The judge's score.... 1.436. An unfortunate mistake for Theta Xi's Rick Copeland.

INTERVIEWER: Rick, you've had a dissapointing first day, do you feel that you can improve and make a good standing in the free competion.

SKIPPY: Uh.... I think I'll do okay. If I heal in time....

(Later in the day, at the Georgia Dome.)

MARV ALBERT: Good afternoon everyone, welcome to the Georgia Dome. I'm Marv Albert and I am here today with Magic Johnson. Today, Team Theta Xi will play Team Angola. The Dream Team will play tonight against Argentina. Magic, what is your opinion of this Theta Xi team?

MAGIC: Uh, actually Marv. I've never seen them play before.

ALBERT: Yes. (Pause) Here is the starting lineup for Team Theta Xi. At guards Sammy Simmons who can easily be recognized by the knee-length green socks, the other guard is Gavin Desnoyers. At forwards, the combination known as "Willpower" Will McDaniel and Will Beaty. At center, Allan McDonald.

BEATY: WHAT? Who put Allan in center?

MCDANIEL: And who calls us "Willpower?"

SAMMY: Hey, hey, Will. Where's Allan?

(Beaty looks around. He's not there.)

BEATY: AL-LAN!

ALBERT: It appears Team Theta Xi will be starting one man short.

MAGIC: And one of their players doesn't look too good. Didn't he get his butt kicked by Evander Holyfield?

ALBERT: That indeed is the same athlete who caused the heavyweight boxer to fall during the Opening Ceremonies. He is playing with a body cast underneath his uniform to heal the six cracked ribs.

(Skipping to ten minutes left in the first half....)

ALBERT: And so Angola has a considerable lead on Team Theta Xi. Beaty with the jumper.... yes. Angola now leads 34-14. Team Theta Xi is playing with a box an.... what kind of defense is that Magic?

MAGIC: I dunno. I've never watched four people play basketball before.

(Skip to halftime.)

ALBERT: At halftime, the Angolans have a commanding lead, 53-20.

(Beaty runs into the locker room and grabs a phone. Meanwhile in Allan McDonald's room, a just-awakened Allan answers the phone.)

ALLAN: Uh..... hello?

BEATY: Allan! Get your butt over here!

ALLAN: Mom?

BEATY: NO! This is NOT yer momma! GET OVER HERE! (Slams the phone down.) Yer gonna WISH I was yer momma!

(Alan finally realizes what happened...)

ALAN: Oh..... suck.

(Meanwhile over at the Georgia Tech natatorium)

MYERS: Uh, Danny, how did we get volunteered for water-polo?

DANNY: They play lots of water polo in Hong Kong.

MYERS: But.... have you ever played water polo?

DANNY: No, but I guess its a lot like rugby. You just throw the ball in the net.

MYERS: Oookay.

ANNOUCER: Will the Theta Xi team and the Hungariam team enter the pool please?

(The Hungariam team emerges.....)

MYERS: Oh. They're big.

DANNY: They're just as big as rugby players.

MYERS: Danny, I don't play rugby. Danny, one of them is drooling.

DANNY: He's probably just nervous. (Jumps into the pool.)

MYERS: Uh. Yeah. I'm gonna kill Todd. (Jumps into the pool.)

(Back at the Dome......)

ALBERT: Never before in the history of basketball have I witnessed such a beating. Team Theta Xi now trails 78-30. Sammy Simmons has fouled out. Team Theta Xi is now playing with three players.

MAGIC: Ya know, I used to play 3-on-3 with Larry Bird and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar...

ALBERT: Unfortunately, Theta Xi is playing against _five_ players.

MAGIC: Oh, yeah.

ALBERT: McDaniel with a bank shot ... yes.

(... later that night....)

COSTAS: ... and so the Dream Team dispatches Argentina 121-86. So the second day of the Olympic games at Atlanta concludes. And how did this upstart Theta Xi team perform? A silver medal, from the shooting of David Hathcock. The other Theta Xi men were not so fortunate. The Theta Xi basketball team had all but one man foul out. Gavin Desnoyers was left to defend five men as Angola rolled to a 132-46 victory. The water-polo team didn't fare well either, Hungary rolled over the Theta Xi's 26-0. And Rick Copeland? He is resting comfortably at Piedmont Hospital tonight. Unbelieveably, he plans to continue in the freestyle gymastics despite being in last by over 6.7 points. (Pause) Join us tommorrow when swimming,volleyball and boxing take center stage. Until then, good night.

SUNDAY JULY 21, 1996 DAY 3

(NBC Broadcast. The Today Show)

GUMBEL: Good morning, this is the Today Show and I am Bryant Gumbel.

COURIC: ... and I am Katie Couric, it is 7:02 am on July 21, 1996. Yesterday, David Hathcock became the first player of the renegade team from Theta Xi to win a medal. He is in the studio today with Bryant Gumbel.

GUMBEL: David Hathcock, a pistol shooter from Theta Chi....

HATHCOCK: That's Theta _Xi_

GUMBEL: Theta _Xi._ How does it feel to earn a medal for your.... organization

HATHCOCK: (No emotion) It feels great.

GUMBEL: David, rumors abound that you used an illegal weapon to win your medal, do you care to comment?

HATHCOCK: No.

GUMBEL: What about the way that Theta Chi has pushed their way into this Olympic competion which is _meant_ for nations.

HATHCOCK: Uh, it's Theta _Xi_, Sparky. May I ask _you_ a question?

GUMBEL: (surprised) I ... suppose so.

HATHCOCK: Would you like that microphone where the sun doesn't shine?

COURIC: (quickly) ... er, thank you Bryant. Now let's go to Willard Scott who is with Izzy in the Centinial Park. What can we expect from the weather, Willard?

(Mid-afternoon, Cycling. Jeffy Lowe is working on some final adjustments on Dan Rohat's bike. John Gideon and Seth Robinson watch on.)

SETH: So, uh, Jeffy. Is the bike going to be finished in time.

JEFFY: Will you chill out? Golly, everybody is rushing me. When I was a freshman, we showed respect to the alumni....

ROHATS: Yeah, well I'm ready to kick some butt. How far is this race anyway?

GIDEON: 50 kilometers, I believe.

ROHATS: Aigh! 50 KILOMETERS! Todd didn't tell me it was that far!

JEFFY: Quit yer whining! After the 15th kilometer, it stops hurting!

SETH: Well, I gotta go. I think I'm going to join the basketball team for their next game.

JEFFY: Yeah, it looks like they could use some help. 132-46! Good grief! My grandmother could have done better!

ROHATS: Yeah, let's roll this thing out.

(... later into the 10th kilometer, Jeffy, John Gideon, and Randy Layman are watching the race...)

RANDY: It's starting to rain.

JEFFY: Uh-oh. It's going to start getting slippery out there.

GIDEON: Here comes Dan!

RANDY: He looks like he's right in the middle of the pack.

(Dan comes around the corner, when he does the bike slips out from under him and he collides with the rest of the pack. The entire pack. Every cyclist slips and falls to the ground.)

GIDEON: Uh-oh.

JEFFY: Get up!! Get up, you wuss!!

(The bikers slowly get back on their bikes, only about half of the bikers still have a working bike. Dan hops back on his bike and resumes. Meanwhile, over at Georgia Tech's Alexander Memorial Colesium, Scott Turner is competing in boxing. Chris Holt, Carter Roughton, Anita Cameron and Denise McMurray are watching in the stands.)

ANITA: Um, so just how did Scott get selected for boxing.

DENISE: I think he volunteered.

HOLT: Look'it that, the kid's hanging in there.

CARTER: Scott's going to win, Rough-Ton Industries will insure that.

ANITA: Huh?

CARTER: Sand-filled gloves. Scott only needs to land one punch.

HOLT: (Nods.) All the kids are helpin' Scott out.

(Smiley has been dodging the Cuban boxer for the entire match, when he lands one big punch on the boxer. He drops the Cuban boxer to the mat. It's a knockout. Anita and Denise's collective jaws drop.)

HOLT: Ain't he cute as a button?

(The four go down to the floor to congratulate Scott. Anita and Denise are still in shock.)

CARTER: So the gloves helped out, right Scott?

SCOTT: Gloves?

CARTER: Yeah, I set those gloves out for you in the locker room.

SCOTT: Oh, I must have grabbed someone else's gloves.

(Carter's jaw drops, too.)

(NBC Studios)

COSTAS: So Theta Xi's Scott Turner advances to the next round in Olympic Boxing. Moving on to Volleyball, Theta Xi unveils their six-man indoor team...

MARLOWE: Thank you Bob, welcome to the Omni. The Theta Xi Six-Pack takes on the Tunisian team. The volleyball team is fronted by hitters Andrew LeRoux, Jeremy Grelle, and Derek Hardison. Toby Reyelts, Roy Clarkson, and Jeff Holland will handle the passing.

WOODY: Awright, you scrubs. We can beat this team.

DEREK: Jeff, we didn't win one intermural game last year.

WOODY: But..... our team is intact, we've got experience from intermurals. We're all still together.

DEREK: Yeah, but that's what bothers me.

MARLOWE: Tunisia serves.... Clarkson passes to Holland, a quick set to Grelle and a strong hit! Theta Xi will serve.

(Later in the day.......)

COSTAS: Theta Xi has won the fourth game of the Volleyball match, the score is now 15-12, 11-15, 14-16, 15-13. Let's break away to bring you the end of today's cycling event. In a driving downpour, staying in the race has been hard enough.....

(Sitting at the finish line, Jeffy, Gideon, and Randy are in raingear and are getting drenched.)

GIDEON: So where is Dan?

RANDY: Last I heard there are only 5 bikers left on the track.

JEFFY: Everyone has been wiping out. It's a miracle Dan is still in the race.

GIDEON: Here comes Dan!

RANDY: He's pretty far behind the other bikers.

(Two bikers collide into each other.)

JEFFY: I don't believe this, there are only three bikers left.

RANDY: Dan is going to win a medal.....

(and indeed, Dan finishes last, but last out of three people, winning the bronze medal. The four celebrate at the finish line until Dan yells "It's really wet out here!" and they run to seek shelter.)

(Fencing, at the World Congress Center. Matt Ferguson and Robby Rose stand in the competitors room.)

FERGUSON: So, you ever competed in fencing before?

ROSE: No, Kevin Callahan and I used to swordfight when I was in Boca Raton. Guess we'll find out how similar it is...

FERGUSON: Wanna practice some before your match?

ROSE: Sure.

(The two begin swordfighting, when the sword makes an "EEP" sound. The two stop.)

FERGUSON: That's a touch. You got me.

ROSE: Cool.

(EEEP.)

ROSE: Oh, sorry about that.

FERGUSON: You didn't touch me.

(EEEP.)

ROSE: What? Is this thing broken?

(EEEP.)

FERGUSON: Can you shut it up?

(EEEP.)

ROSE: I don't know. (EEEP.) I guess if I unplugged it.... (EEEP.) This is getting really annoying.

(Toby Reyelts stands up from behind a computer.)

TOBY: Oh no, you haven't been messing with the fencing swords have you?

FERGUSON: Well..... (EEEP.) Um, Yeah.

TOBY: Gaah, now I have to go reset the program.

ROSE: Sorry. (EEEEP.)

(Back at the Omni, the Theta Xi-Tunisia match has come down to the fifth game. Tunisia leads 18-17 and serves.)

MARLOWE: The serve by Tunisia... great dig by Clarkson! Holland makes a bad set over the net! The Tunisian setter passes to the outside.....

(The Tunsian drills the ball right into Woody's face. Woody is out like a light and the Tunisians have won.)

MARLOWE: What a break for Tunisia! They have their first victory! Meanwhile the Theta Xi setter is out cold! They are carrying him off the court. That is all from the Omni, Tunisia wins 15-12, 11-15, 14-16, 15-13, 19-17.

(Back at the World Congress Center, Robby Rose is now in his match against the Spanish fencer when disaster strikes....)

(The sword begins to make an "EEP" noise....)

ROSE: Oh no, (EEEP) not again. (EEEP EEEEP) Hey, is (EEEP) there any way to (EEEP EEEEEP EEEP EEEP) to shut this off? (EEEEP EEEP EEEEP)

(Georgia Tech Natatorium. Andy Johnson is preparing to race the 100M freestyle)

ANNOUNCER: And the swimmers are in the water. The United States is leading with the Cuban swimmer shortly behind. Wait, where is the Theta Xi swimmer?

COMMENTATOR: I think he is still underwater...

ANNOUNCER: He is! Andy Johnson is in third place, but he has not surfaced once for air! The have touched the wall and are coming back towards the finish!

COMMENTATOR: This is unbelievable. I have never seen a swimmer go _totally_ underwater during the entire swim!

ANNOUNCER: And Joe Smith of the United States takes the gold! But most the most surprising result is Andy Johnson's bronze medal finish!

(Johnson emerges from the water and lets out a belch that shakes the entire structure...)

SMITH: (watching) Gaaaah, Andy. Don't shake the natatorium, we don't want it to fall down on us again.

INTERVIEWER: Congratulations, Andy. Your swim was remarkable, I have never seen someone swim an entire 100 meter race underwater.

SAFETY: Thank you!

INTERVIEWER: Tommorrow you are competing in the 200 meter, who do you feel is your primary competition.

(Andy belches the entire phrase "Bosnia-Herzegovinia")

COSTAS: Indeed, a proper capstone as the esoteric nature of these Olympic Games continue. Germany leads with 5 medals, the US has won 3, and amazingly enough, Theta Xi has also won 3 medals. So the US has equalled Theta Xi's medal performance. (Pause) I am sure that somehow, somewhere, wierder things have happened. That is all for tonight, I am Bob Costas. Good night.

MONDAY JULY 22, 1996 DAY 4

(The Today Show....)

COURIC: ....today we are going to take you inside the Olympic Village. The Brothers of Theta Xi have invited us into their house. Join us as we experience the lives of these unconvential competitors.

(The cameraman walks up to the door and rings the doorbell. RJ answers the door and blinks in the light.)

RJ: Uh, can I help you?

REPORTER: We've been invited to come in and tape you.

RJ: (Pleasantly) Oh.... really? (Not-so-pleasantly) NEIL!!!!

(The camera follows RJ inside. The living room is a mess. Empty bottles of sports drinks, Moutain Dew cans, baseballs, basketballs, and frisbees are everywhere. A pole-vault pole lies on the floor and a javelin is propped up against the wall. Todd Hanlin is talking to Alex Wyatt)

TODD: And the field hockey team has already left for their competition?

ALEX: Yeah. Yeah, I saw the Boogie and Jeremy Greer hopping the back of Brad Lee's truck, they should be the last ones to arrive.

TODD: Good. Freeman!! Hey, where is Freeman?

CLARK: (walking by) Last I heard, he was taking some Swedish Syncronized Swimmer for a ride in his Miata.

TODD: Well, somebody go find him and tell him he has a tennis match in thirty minutes. (Notices the camera) Hey now, what're they doing here?

RJ: Apparently Neil granted them a tour.

TODD: Gah, take 'em on a tour, Buckley.

(Camera turns toward Chris Hardy as he walks by with a jug of OJ.)

BUCKLEY: I'm over here.

(Camera, still focused on the same height swings over towards Buckley)

BUCKLEY: Down here.

(Camera focuses on Buckley)

BUCKLEY: Uh, welcome to Theta Xi.

(Buckley leads the camera up the stairs and down the hall)

BUCKLEY: This is our living quarters, most of our brothers now live here in this part of the house.

(The camera turns to catch Lutmer as he emerges from the bathroom in only his towel. He stares at the camera like a deer in headlights)

COURIC: (Back in the studio) Well, it looks like a good time for a commercial. When we return an interview with one of the Theta Xi men.....

(Commercial)

COURIC: Welcome back to the Today show. We now have Phillip Markert for an exclusive interview at Theta Xi Computer Central...

(The camera enters Phillip's room. Phillip is playing Descent with the volume turned up loud. He is playing with a flight-yoke, pedals, and every other possible device for flight simulation. Phillip looks at the camera and quickly turns off his computer.)

COURIC: Phillip, are you there?

PHILLIP: Uh, hi.

COURIC: Phillip, you are the coordinator of the Computer Operations of TXCOG, is that correct?

PHILLIP: I guess so. I print out the schedules if that's what you mean.

COURIC: Phillip was it on that computer that you cracked ACOG's system and entered Theta Xi athletes into all of the events?

PHILLIP: (Proudly) Yeah! (Pause) Uh... no, no I didn't change any of ACOG's records...

COURIC: Would you care to share with the world how you did that?

PHILLIP: Uh no, I really don't want to be indicted for anything, if you know what I mean....

(Later that day at Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. Theta Xi unveils their baseball team.)

ANNOUNCER: And now the starting lineup of the Theta Xi baseball team

at First Base ..... Jennifer Steele

at Second Base .... Will Beaty

at Shortstop ..... Paul Wickersham

at Third Base ..... Leanne Isley

at Catcher ....... Phillip Markert

at Pitcher ........ Carter Roughton

at Left Field ..... Sean Williams

at Center Field.... Alex Wyatt

at Right Field .... Meridith Moss

MERIDITH: I just want everyone to know that these uniforms are too tight! Half of the stadium is staring at my butt!!!!

(In the dugout, manager Adam Corkins and Mike Sobers watch)

SOBERS: Tell me why again we let Meridith play?

CORKINS: Well, the co-ed softball team seemed to do fairly well last spring, so I guess we'll field 'em again.

SOBERS: Didn't the softball team win all of their games by forfeit?

CORKINS: Well, yeah. But they should do okay.

(Wyatt throws the ball to Meredith and she yelps and ducks.)

CORKINS: Well... there is a mercy rule in Olympic baseball...

(Later in the day at the Georgia Dome, the women's gymastics is on. Jeff Holland, Ed Graham, and Heather Simon are watching the stands.)

HEATHER: So Jeff, how are you feeling?

WOODY: Still kinda woozy. Andrew LeRoux said I was unconscious for at least 30 minutes.

HEATHER: It looked like it hurt when I was watching the game on TV yesterday.

WOODY: Yeah, it hurt. Awwww, Louis, did it hurt.

GRAHAM: (Reading from Program) Did you know that tallest gymnast in this competition is only 5' 6"?

WOODY: (Watching the Romanian team on the uneven bars.) Nope.

GRAHAM: (Still reading....) The US has not won a gold medal in team competition since .... Jeff?

WOODY: Who is that? (Watching one gymnast in particular)

GRAHAM: (Looking it up in the program.) Elena Bobinschkiva, 20 years old, from Bucharest, Romania.

WOODY: She's beautiful..... I have to meet her!

GRAHAM: What?

(back at Atlanta Fulton County Stadium, it is the sixth inning. Leanne Isley has just struck out, for the second time. The score is 9-0 in favor of South Korea.)

LEANNE: I can't believe Jennifer talked me into this.

CORKINS: Hey, at least we broke the no-hitter.

PHILLIP: And Meridith has only committed three errors!

MERIDITH: Two, thank you!!

BEATY: Maybe we'll do better at Basketball tonight.....

(The Georgia Dome. Theta Xi prepares for Team Bolivia)

ALBERT: Team Theta Xi returns with a stronger lineup than their defeat to Angola. The starting lineup of Beaty, McDaniel, Simmons, and Desnoyers is now augmented by Chris Hardy. David Scelsi, Alan McDonald and Seth Robinson will provide strength from the bench. The should be considerable improvement from their loss to Angola

BEATY: I don't know about you, but after losing 10-0 in Baseball, I am NOT happy.

SETH: Ya know, Will, we could really use another center to so Chris can sit through some of the game....

MCDANIEL: I can play center, Will, but we really need someone taller....

BEATY: No, I want you at forward. I need to stay at forward, too

(Beaty's eyes roam the crowd until they settle on Tad Book and Keith Freck who are sitting in the stands.)

BEATY: Tad Book, get your butt out here!

BOOK: Will, I don't play basketball.

BEATY: Yeah, well you're gonna learn really quick. Put on that uniform!

(Later that evening......)

COSTAS: ... and so Jason Lowe advances to the next round in the Judo competition. No Judo wrestler from Georgia has ever advanced to the second round. I didn't know that a judo wrestler from Georgia existed. After a disasterous start, Team Theta Xi has returned and taken Boliva right to the end. The score is 89-89.

ALBERT: Thank you, Bob. Team Theta Xi has rebounded in spectacular fashion tonight. There are 56 seconds left on the clock. Pedro Arias will inbounded the ball for Bolivia. They are working the clock own....

(20 seconds later...)

ALBERT: Rodriegeuz.... yes! Bolivia now leads 91-89. And now Theta Xi will have the ball with 34 seconds left. Desnoyers will pass to Robinson. ...over to Beaty, he passes it back to Gavin. Twenty-three seconds to go. Gavin inside to Chris Hardy, but he is guarded tight, back out to the top of the key where McDonald shoots the three....

SAMMY: (on the bench and exasperated) THE THREE???

ALBERT: YES!!! Bolivia calls a time out with eleven seconds to go!

MAGIC: Woooweee! The kid's got it ON!

BEATY: Allan, I don't know what came over you, but I like it!

ALAN: (out of breath) ... thanks, I think.

ALBERT: Bolivia will have the ball with eleven seconds, they trail by one.

MAGIC: The Bolivians have to inbound the ball quickly and get it to the center of the court quickly so they can set up a good shot.

ALBERT: The crowd is on their feet.... the inbound pass.... stolen by Will Beaty!

(... and that's all she wrote as Beaty dunks the ball to end the game 94-91. Pandemonium erupts on the court as the Theta Xi men celebrate.)

ALBERT: ... and so, after being destroyed by the Angolans, the Theta Xi team rebounds to pull an amazing victory over the Bolivians. Good night everyone, from the Georgia Dome!

TUESDAY, JULY 23 DAY 5

(NBC Broadcast)

COSTAS: Good evening. The city of Atlanta is abuzz about Basketball today. Not over the Dream Team, who dispatched Lithuania with ease 106-76, but over the upstart Theta Xi basketball team which shocked the world by actually winning a game in this competition. NBC cornered Forward Will McDaniel after the game to ask him about this team.

(Video clip of bunches of microphones surrounding Will)

MCDANIEL: uuunnnhhh.... we played basketball. Isn't that what we're here to do?

COSTAS: Deep words from the forward who scored 16 points in the game against Bolivia. Now we move on to another Theta Xi team, the soccer team. Dubbing themselves the "Theta Xi United Club" they go into their match against Cameroon....

(Legion Field in Birmingham, 30 minutes into the game....)

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Bob. The Theta Xi United Club's leaders are Andy Coan, Dan Fralingos, Keith Freck, Paul Dragin, Genay Jones and goalie Brian Pitts. The score is deadlocked at zero. Pitts has already made two fabulous saves in this game, but the offense has not been within 100 feet of the Cameroon goalie. Another breakaway by Cameroon and a magnificant save by Brian Pitts!!

(NBC Studios...)

COSTAS: We're now going to take you out for Men's Gymnastics where Russia and the Ukraine and competing for the team Gold medal...

(The Georgia Dome)

TESH: Thank you, Bob. We have seen spectaular performances by Russia and the Ukraine, the American men have even made a fair showing. Now let's take you over to the rings, where Theta Xi's Rick Copeland is about to begin.

COMMENTOR: Entrenched firmly in last place, Copeland will need two perfect tens to move out of last place.

(Rick leaps up and grabs the rings. He struggles and struggles to place himself in an iron cross position. Finally he makes it, he is trembling and gritting his teeth.)

TESH: Copeland appears to be visibly in pain.

SKIPPY: YEEEARRRRGHHH!!!!!

TESH: He is now just hanging from the rings.

COMMETATOR: That's a big deduction, John.

(Rick hangs from the rings for a while until he finally gives up and falls to the floor in a heap.)

TESH: I guess that was the dismount.

COMMENTOR: Lots of minor mistakes.

TESH: Lots of major mistakes. The judges are not amused, a 1.657 for Rick Copeland.

(Back at the NBC Studio...)

COSTAS: Let's update you on what is going on right now. The Theta Xi soccer team is still tied with Cameroon zero to zero. Brian Pitts now has eight saves. The story of the night however, is the volleyball team of Theta Xi which has just defeated Poland. Jeff Holland who suffered a vicious blow in the first game had a career night with thirty assists and not one mistake. Fans, teammates, and even Holland himself was amazed at his performance

(Cut to Woody being interviewed....)

WOODY: I... I dunno. I've never played that well in my life. I guess everything just clicked.

LEROUX: We don't know what got into him, but it sure was nice to get some consistent sets.

(Cut back to Costas)

COSTAS: Let's now take you back to the Georgia Dome for the ending of the Men's Gymnastics competition.

(The Georgia Dome....)

TESH: Back at the Georgia Dome where Rick Copeland is about begin the high bar. Copeland may set an Olympic Record for the lowest Olympic gymnastics score. Apparently he has suffered quite a few bumps and bruises from this competition...

(Skippy, who now has a cast on his leg, jumps up on the high bar. He begins a spin himself around the bar, slowly increasing in speed. He lets go and lands face-first into the mat.)

COMMENTATOR: Oooh, that looked like that hurt.....

(Back to Costas.....)

COSTAS: Let's break away for a moment to show you the closing minute of the Theta Xi - Cameroon soccer game which is still tied at zero.

(Birmingham....)

ANNOUCER: Time is running out here at Legion Field where Brian Pitts has been a brick wall. Team Theta Xi is running the clock out right now by passing the ball around. (The horn sounds) And that is it! Theta Xi has played their first Olympic game to a tie! Let's take you down to the field where our on-site reporter is with Brian Pitts and Andy Coan.

REPORTER: Andy....

COAN: I like to be called "Boutros Boutros" Coan.

REPORTER: Urm, "Boutros Boutros", your offense didn't have too much luck tonight.

COAN: No, they were pretty strong. I think with a little practice, we should be able to adapt to the styles of defense that many of these teams play.

REPORTER: But the story of the game was Brian's incredible goal-keeping. Congratulations, Brian.

PITTS: Thank you.

REPORTER: Would you care to share with us how you became so successful?

PITTS: It's actually quite simple. You see, I am a fun sink. I am able to take in an infinite amount of fun without returning it. Since the ball has large amounts of fun in it, the ball naturally gravitates towards me, thus making it easier to catch as it approaches me. It's a natural effect of Gauss' Law upon a force when a flux occurs. Unfortunately, I am also drawing the fun out of the stadium, if you will.

COAN: I thought the crowd sounded kinda quiet.

(Back at the house, McDaniel and Sobers are watching the TV)

SOBERS: Yeah..... Gauss' Law. It all makes sense.

MCDANIEL: (Singing to the tuneof "Iron Man") I AM BRIAN PITTS! DUGGA-DUGGA-DUGGA DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!!!

(On the soccer field again....)

REPORTER: Ummm... thanks. Back to you Bob.

COSTAS: In case you are wondering, Pitts graduated with Highest Honors from Georgia Tech with a degree in Physics so if you didn't understand what he was saying, don't worry. I didn't either. Back to the Georgia Dome for the conclusion of the men's gymnastics.

TESH: Thank you, Bob. The Russians took home the gold medal tonight with a strong performance. The Ukraninans also looked strong finishing with the silver medal. Unfortunately the night was not without its causualties, Theta Xi gymnast Rick Copeland suffered several ligament tears and broken bones in his routines tonight. He is with our on-site reporter right now.

REPORTER: Rick, a dissapointing night for you. You finished 77 out of 77 competitors. In fact the judges considered placing you in 78th place so as not to offend the 76th place finisher. How do you feel right now?

(Copeland is brought to the camera in a wheelchair. He has a cast on both arms, and one leg. He has a neck brace and a black eye.)

SKIPPY: Well, first off all, I'd like to say that Mike Tyson is the finest boxer I've ever faced. I think I'd like to spend some time alone now and reconsider some things .... like who am I?

REPORTER: But Rick this was gym.... never mind. There you have it, John.

TESH: Thank you for joining us tonight. Two nights from now the all-around competition will begin. It would seem obvious that Theta Xi will not have a competitor in that process. A collective sigh of relief from the employees of Grady Hospital has been heard. Good night.

COSTAS In other news, the Theta Xi water polo team went down in defeat to Austria 18 to 0. The Austrian team was dismayed when five of their points were taken back from them because the ball did _not_ go into the net. Indeed on five different occasions, the Austrian players mistook Theta Xi player Jeremy Myers for the ball and threw _him_ into the net. Myers is resting in stable condition tonight at the Georgia Tech infirmary. That is all for tonight, this is NBC.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24 DAY 6

COSTAS: Good afternoon and welcome back to Atlanta. Today's highlights include Baseball, Judo, and Basketball. First, however, let's take you to Savannah for a little bit of Yachting.

(Savannah, GA...)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the coast. The Theta Xi team preparing for their competition. Let's go on board and meet the team. Here is Ron Hoffman, Jeremy Greer, and Jeff Stark. Greetings gentlemen, how are you doing?

RON: Fine, thank you. May I comment on how I feel about how ACOG has handled things so far?

ANNOUNCER: I ... suppose so.

RON: I think.... (Stark quickly covers his mouth, but the muffled word "sucks" comes through loud and clear.)

STARK: Uh.... he's enjoying it a lot and is just glad to be here.

ANNOUNCER: Now, Jeremy Greer. You are now on the yachting team after your field hockey team was ejected from competition, do you care to comment about that?

GREER: Well.... we didn't know that checking wasn't allowed in field hockey.

STARK: Brad Lee did lay that check on that Brazilian right into the stands.

(Pause)

GREER: He kept his elbows down.

ANNOUNCER: Um, yes and on that note, we will return, after these messages!

(Cut to later in the day at the baseball stadium. Matt Seale, Sarah Hennesey, Monica Jarrett, and Bobby Baptist are watching...)

BAPTIST: Well, Meridith is having a better day, she only made two errors.

SEALE: She even caught a fly ball. I'm impressed!

MONICA: But Theta Xi still trails seven to nothing.

SEALE: We need some batters, some one who can hit those fastballs....

SARAH: Did our beach volleyball team begin today?

SEALE: Yeah, Alan Smith and Rob Kischuk, now there's a combination! I wonder how they did today....

(Cut to the Conyers Equestrian Club where Paul Dragin and his horse that he borrowed from the nearby farm are about to begin. Mark Messarro, Jessica Rollo and Amanda Hearn are watching in the stands.)

ANNOUCER: Now approaching the first gate, Paul Dragin of Theta Xi.

DRAGIN: Gaah!!! Get goin', you stoopid horse!

(The horse doesn't move....)

DRAGIN: I said git!!!

(While it's pretty humorous watching Dragin try to get a very stationary horse move in any direction, much less forward, we move on back to baseball where Leanne Isley has just hit the ball, and it's even fair...)

LEANNE: WHAT DO I DO NOW??????

STEELE: Run!! Towards first base!!! No, the RIGHT side!!

(In the dugout....)

MARKERT: So how did you win any games during intermurals?

CORKINS: The other team never showed up, we would win by forfeit.

(The Georgia Dome, where Marv Albert and Magic Johnson are about to begin broadcasting the Dream Team vs. Croatia)

ALBERT: Good evening and welcome to the Georgia Dome. The United States is about to begin their game against team Croatia, lead by Tony Kukoc. Earlier today, the Theta Xi team won another incredible last-second victory, this time at the hands of Gavin Desnoyers. Since the US and Theta Xi are in opposite divisions, the teams could only possibly meet in a medal round game. However, the trash-talking has already begun....

(Cut to Barkley being interviewed, microphones are everywhere around him....)

BARKLEY: Why are you paying so much attention to this team? They are just a bunch of college jocks. They're not even the best ones from their school. Do they have any NBA players on their team? I don't see any. I think this media coverage is rediculous.

(Cut to an interview of Seth Robinson.....)

SETH: Well, yeah. Of course the Dream Team is beatable. I mean, they are only human, just like you and me. They could all have a bad night at the same time. Anything is possible...

ALBERT: And so, Team USA begins their game tonight, knowing that the media is giving their attention to a team other than them. We will return shortly after this commercial.

MAGIC: I like these kids, Marv! They got spunk!

ALBERT: Oh come now, Ervin! Do you really think these little college frat-boys have any chance against the NBA's biggest stars?

CAMERAMAN: Um, we're still on the air.

ALBERT: (Looks at the camera and pauses...) So we are. And after _these_ commercials. We will be back.

(Over to Piedmont Hospital where Rick Copeland is recovering. Jeff Holland has entered Rick's hospital room where Rick is in traction.)

WOODY: Hey, Rick.

SKIPPY: Wheat, Jeff.

WOODY: How are you feeling?

SKIPPY: I've been better.

WOODY: Did you see that I got 31 assists in the last volleyball game?

SKIPPY: No, Jeff. I was busy falling off the high bar, remember?

WOODY: Oh.

(Pause)

WOODY: I saw this really awesome gymnast.

SKIPPY: Is she Russian?

WOODY: No.

SKIPPY: (Disappointed) Oh.

WOODY: She is Romanian.

SKIPPY: Oh, that's good. Former Warsaw Pact countries are fine with me. How old is she?

WOODY: Twenty. (Pause.) I saw her first.

SKIPPY: So, are you going to meet her?

WOODY: What?

SKIPPY: Are you going to meet her? Tell her you love her?

WOODY: Rick, I'd have to get in the Olympic Village to do that! Do you know how hard that is?

SKIPPY: Jeff, you're wearing a badge that identifies you as an Olympic athlete.

WOODY: (gets an idea) Oh yeah! Oh wait, I left it at the fraternity house.

SKIPPY: (quietly) Dork. (Louder) Why don't you visit her? Drop by at her dorm.

WOODY: Yeah, yeah. I could do that...

(A doctor enters....)

DOCTOR: Mr. Holland, could we see you for a moment?

WOODY: Get well, Rick.

SKIPPY: That's what I'm doing, Jeff.

(In another room in the Hospital....)

DOCTOR: I wanted you to have a look at your MRI scans that we made while you were unconscious.

WOODY: (Holding some printouts) What's that red spot?

DOCTOR: Jeff, we believe your brain has been damaged by the hit from the volleyball.

WOODY: What?

DOCTOR: But in a good way...

WOODY: Good brain damage?

DOCTOR: Apparently, the blow altered the part of your brain that controls hand-eye coordination, more specifically the part that controls setting a volleyball.

WOODY: So.... the reason that I'm kicking butt in volleyball, is because a volleyball... hit me ..... and knocked something back in place in my brain?

DOCTOR: Something like that.

WOODY: Cool.

(Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, Theta Xi's baseball team is leaving the stadium.)

WYATT: You know, I've never had the mercy rule take effect in every game I've played.

CLARK: Well, we _did_ get a run.

WYATT: Yeah. Well, I guess we get to go home now.

(Back at the Equestrian track. It is now midnight, Paul Dragin is still on the horse, trying to get it to start. The stands have been empty for many hours now. Mark Massarro is still in the stands, still laughing.)

DRAGIN: (Kicking and punching the horse.) Gaaaah!!! I hate you! Come on, horse! Shut up, Mark! Go, horse!!!

THURSDAY, JULY 25 1996 DAY 7

(The Georgia World Congress Center. Kevin Burris and Adam Sheridan are preparing to begin their badminton match.)

BURRIS: Y'know. Badminton can't be too different from raquetball. I mean you have a raquet and a thing to hit.

SHERIDAN: Raquetballs move pretty fast, and this thing has feathers on it!

BURRIS: (Looks at the raquet) I mean, the raquets even look kinda wimpy. How did I get entered into this event, anyway?

(Cut to NBC Studios.....)

COSTAS: Good afternoon everyone. Once again, Theta Xi has struck in these Olympic games. Jason Lowe has advanced to the next round with another victory in Judo. Let's go out now to the Georgia World Congress Center where he is with our reporter.

(Cut to a reporter with Opie. In addition to his judo uniform, he is wearing a Georgia Tech hat backwards and his belt has a large golden buckle with the inscription "The South Shall Rise Again")

REPORTER: Thank you, Bob. Jason, you've advanced to the semifinals and have a very good chance of winning a medal. How are you feeling right now.

OPIE: Welp, I think I did p'rty good out thar'. That boy, he came at me p'rty fast, but I threw 'im down. Reckon' I'll hafta get ready for them Koreans in the next round. They're p'rty good fellers.

COSTAS: There you have it ladies and gentlemen. A southern gentleman turned Marital Arts expert. (Shakes head) It just keeps getting wierder. We'll be back after this commercial.

(Meanwhile, up at Lake Lanier. The Theta Xi Rowing team is preparing to begin their competition. Ed Shaw, Matt Seale, and Todd Hanlin stand on the dock.)

ED: So... where is the rest of our team, Todd?

TODD: Hang on, I'm sure they'll get here in time.

SEALE: They are strong guys, right? Rowing takes some arm strength...

TODD: Gah, don't you two trust me? I got strong guys for you.

(Chris Holt, Derrick Hardison, and John White arrive)

HOLT: There's all the kids now! All the kids are here!

ED: Chris Holt and Derrick??

TODD: I told you so.

SEALE: Uh, Todd, it _is_ a small boat that can't hold a _lot_ of weight.

TODD: Don't complain, I could've sent you Holland and Boogie.

ED: What's John White here for?

TODD: He's whatever you call that guy that tells you when to stroke.

SEALE: Coxswain?

TODD: Yeah. I told you I got you covered.

(The four get in the boat...and it sinks to water-level...)

SEALE: Ain't this going to be fun?

ED: Alright... let's do some practice strokes.

WHITE: stroke. stroke.

HOLT: Now the kid up front is going to have to speak up. We can't hear him.

WHITE: STROKE!!!

ED: NAH! The boy can yell!

WHITE: STROKE!!!

SEALE: Okay, okay. We got the picture. Just keep it up when we race!

(The team begins to row, as they do the boat begins to sink....)

ED: (Now up to his waist in water...) I've got a bad feeling about this...

(Over at the Theta Xi House, it's business as usual. The couches have been pulled out of the house and are now out in the front yard. Jeff Holland, Dan Rohats, Andy Johnson, Tad Book, and Jeremy Grelle are watching the Olympic athletes walking by on Techwood Ave.)

ROHATS: So, Woody, are you going to get the guts to ask out this Romanian chick?

WOODY: I don't know. She's a world famous gymnast. I'm just a little CS.

SAFETY: ... and a volleyball player!

(Will Beaty walks out of the house and strolls towards the couches)

WOODY: I dunno. I'm not sure about asking out this girl.

BEATY: WHAT? If it was me, I wouldn't be afraid! Why I would walk up to her front door (jumps onto the porch of 773) and say "I'M AWESONE!!"

(Just then, a group of Japanese table tennis players walking by notice him and point their fingers at him and snicker)

BEATY: SHUT UP, FREAKS!!

(Johnson and Grelle put their hands over their eyes...)

SAFETY: Well, now that Theta Xi has displayed our international greeting......

(NBC Studios......)

COSTAS: Good evening everyone. As the Olympics progress, the Theta Xi soccer team continues to surprise everyone. Goalie Brian Pitts has yet to give up a goal. Tonight they are playing Team Belgium. The score after one half is again zero to zero. When we return, we'll take you out to the Georgia Dome for the individual gymnasitcs....

(The World Congress Center. Burris lunges at the shuttlecock swinging with all his might.)

BURRIS: YAAAAAAA!

(The shuttlecock drops in front of him, he misses.)

BURRIS: I don't like this game.

(Later that evening....)

COSTAS: The Theta Xi water polo team has once again been shut out. The final score was seventeen to zero. Jeremy Myers was conspicous by his absence at the game. He said quote "I have other events to train for, I can't afford to get injured by being thrown into that goal again." (Pause.) I suppose being mistaken for a water polo ball could be dangerous. (Pause) When we return, the end of the Belgium versus Theta Xi Game.

(Commercial. Cut to Legion Field at Birmingham.)

ANNOUNCER: ... and Dragin will pass the ball to Jones. Genay Jones advancing onto the Belgian side. Pass to Freck, who passes to Coan ... and time is up! The score is tied at zero to zero!

COSTAS: So Theta Xi finishes with yet another tie. They have scored no goals yet have given up no goals. If this team were to advance to a medal game, we may see a new record in overtime periods. In other news, the Theta Xi volleyball team has struck again with setter Jeff Holland having another incredible night with 34 assists. That's all for tonight. Join us tommorrow as the Dream Team takes center stage, also Baseball amd Table Tennis. Good night.

FRIDAY, JULY 26 DAY 8

(The Georgia World Congress Center. Jeff McCammon and Jason Price are competing in table tennis.)

PADRE: So who is our first opponent?

PRICE: Um, I think it's China.

PADRE: They're pretty good aren't they.

(Price smiles and nods vigorously)

That's what I was afraid of.

PRICE: Between the practice that you have had at the BSU and the practice that I have had at the Catholic Center, we should be okay.

(The Chinese player slams the ball past Price and Padre, they look behind...)

PRICE: SUCK!!

PADRE: Where did the ball go?

(NBC Studios.....)

COSTAS: ... and so the Theta Xi men's Basketball team has struck up another victory. An incredible run for this team which was blown away by Angola in their first game. With this victory, they have all but assured themselves a place in the playoffs. Is it possible that the Dream Team could meet Theta Xi in the medal finals?

(Pause)

Meanwhile, another Theta Xi team is meeting the USA today. In baseball, USA leads Theta Xi 12 to 0 and it is only the first inning. It is safe to say the mercy rule will once again come into effect tonight for Theta Xi.

(Meanwhile over at the Olympic Villiage, Jeff Holland and Will McDaniel have located the Romanian team's dorms. They are down underneath the second-floor window of Elena Bobinshkiva's dorm.)

MCDANIEL: So this is it.

WOODY: Yep. That's her dorm up there.

MCDANIEL: You're really going to do this?

WOODY: Yep.

(Will walks over to the wall and Jeff climbs up on his shoulders)

MCDANIEL: Hey, Jeff?

WOODY: Yeah, Will?

MCDANIEL: Ask her if she has any friends that are ice-skaters and if they're single.

WOODY: Uh, okay.

(Jeff climbs up to the second-floor window and knocks on the window. No answer.)

MCDANIEL: Try again.

(Jeff knocks again and the window opens...)

WOODY: ELENA BOBINSHKIVA, I LOVE YOU!

(A large muscular arm emerges from the window, it forms a fist.)

WOODY: Aw, Louis......

(With one punch to the face, the force causes Jeff to let go of the window sill and he falls to the ground below.)

MCDANIEL: Jeff, that did not look like a gymnast to me.

WOODY: Awwwwwww, just take me to a hospital.

(Atlanta Fulton-County Stadium)

ANNOUNCER: This is amazing ladies and gentlemen, it is still the first inning and the score is now 18 to 0. The USA has two outs, but the last out came eight batters ago. Team Theta Xi's defense has been, at best, erratic....

COSTAS: We have a special bulletin that has just arrived. A huge controversy that may change the course of these Olympics is arising. Apparently, every member of the Theta Xi Olympic team has tested positive for an illegal substance. Let's take you now to our on-site reporter at IOC Headquarters.

(In the IOC Headquarters....)

REPORTER: Thank you, Bob. During the routine testing of athletes today, it was discovered that every Theta Xi athlete has tested positive for an illegal substance. The peculiar thing is that the IOC cannot determine what the substance is. Let's take a look one particular examination...

(He picks up a sheet of paper...)

REPORTER: From our tests, this is what we have discovered to have been ingested by the volleyball player Jeff Holland in the last 24 hours.

(Reads the paper...)

One bowl of Wheaties, Fifteen Carrot Sticks, Six Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?

COSTAS: Go on, Tom.

REPORTER: Two slices of Spam luncheon meat, One Arch Deluxe, a Dove bar, and .... one quarter-pound of gumbo.

(Pauses and nearly becomes sick thinking of that diet....)

Curiously, Holland is currently unable for an interview. Even the athletes at the Theta Xi house don't know where he is right now.

COSTAS: Tom, other than lousy eating habits, there doesn't seem to be anything unusual there.

REPORTER: That is what is so odd, Bob. There is a common link, though. Every athlete that tested positive has consumed some of this mysterious "gumbo." Currently, the team's cook, Mike Smith, is unavailable for an interview.

COSTAS: Thank you, Tom. Due to the fact that IOC cannot accurately identify the drug and judging from the results of the many of the Theta Xi athletes, the drug cannot possibly be "performance enhancing." Therefore, the IOC has decided to allow Theta Xi to continue competing in these games. However, they are planning to continue their investigation and are seeking an interview with team cook, Mike Smith. We will keep you informed as the news comes out. Let's take a break and then we'll return back to baseball.

(Commercial...)

ANNOUNCER: During the commercial break, Team USA ran the total run count up to twenty runs before their three outs. As long as the bottom of the first inning lasted for USA is about as short as the top of the second inning. All three Theta Xi batters struck out to end the inning. So now the bottom of the second begins.... it's going to be a long inning....

(Back at Piedmont hospital, Jeff Holland is now lying in hospital bed at the other end of the Rick Copeland's room. Both are too injured to move at all.)

WOODY: Hey, Rick.

SKIPPY: Barley, Jeff.

(Silence ....)

SKIPPY: So your encounter with the Romanian gymnast was unsuccesful?

WOODY: Yeah, you could say that.

SKIPPY: Oh, I'm sorry.

(Pause...)

WOODY: The Romanian team is staying in the _eighth_ street apartments! How on earth did I confuse that with the fourth street apartments?

SKIPPY: Uh-oh. You dropped in on the Romanian men?

WOODY: No, the Chinese women's swimming team...

(Skippy begins to laugh...)

SKIPPY: Oh, that hurts.

(...back to the NBC Studios...)

COSTAS: The IOC has convened and decided to enact a new mercy rule. Thankfully, the Theta Xi team has been spared from further defeat in baseball. In the fourth inning, with the score 32-0, the game has been forfeited and the USA has won. Do any of you _really_ believe that this "gumbo" is performance-enhancing? Tommorrow, the Today show will have Theta Xi cook Mike Smith for an interview and also TXCOG President Neil Jones. Join us tommorrow....

SATURDAY JULY 27, 1996 DAY 9

(The Today Show....)

COURIC: Good morning, it is 7:45am and this is Today. This morning we have TXCOG President Neil Jones and Theta Xi Team Cook Mike Smith in the studio for an interview about the "Gumbo Controversy" that is quickly surrounding these Olympic games. Good morning gentlemen.

(Smith and Neil nod.)

COURIC: Micheal Smith, you are the preparer of this "gumbo" which IOC official believe is what is causing the drug tests to register positive. Do you know what you might be putting in the gumbo which would cause this?

SMITH: No. No, I don't know what could be in there.

COURIC: Could you share with us what ingredients you put in your gumbo?

SMITH: No.

COURIC: Could this be because you are concealing something?

SMITH: Gaaah, don't make me angry.

COURIC: Let's talk to Mr. Jones for a moment. Neil, as head of TXCOG, were you aware that your athletes were consuming drug-laced gumbo.

NEIL: No, I mean, yes we knew they were eating gumbo, but there are no drugs in the gumbo.

COURIC: So, you were aware that the athletes were eating the gumbo?

NEIL: Well... yes.

COURIC: Despite the fact that it was laced with a narcotic.

SMITH: Gaaaah, I didn't put anything in the gumbo besides gumbo. Do you want to see the angry Cajun side of me?

COURIC: Do you have any explanation why Smith might have put narcotics in the gumbo?

NEIL: Okay, no more Mr. Nice "Hee-hee Hoo-Hoo" Neil Jones. I'm starting to get angry. Mike Smith did not put any drugs in the gumbo.

GUMBELL: There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Neil Jones, president of Theta Chi...

SMITH: Theta XI

GUMBELL: .... Theta Xi has denied any involvement in this "gumbo controversy."

(Later that day, Genay Jones and Brian Pitts are boarding the bus to leave for their soccer venue...)

GENAY: You know, you are huge, Brian.

PITTS: Thank you, I have been told that before.

GENAY: (Stares at Pitts) You don't smile do you?

PITTS: Oh, but I do. Tell me something funny.

GENAY: How about.... we're on our way to Miami.

PITTS: (Cracks a smile) Now that is funny. Why would we be going to Miami? Our soccer game is in Birmingham.

GENAY: .... because our bus is going south on I-75? (Tapping the shoulder of another soccer player) Excuse me kind sir, where might this bus be going?

SOCCER PLAYER: Miami, you're riding with the Mexican soccer team.

GENAY: (jaw drops) .... suck.

(Meanwhile, back in Conyers, Amanda Hearn, Jessica Rollo, and Mark Messarro are back to watch Dragin have another chance with the horse. This time he's ready...)

DRAGIN: Awright Nag, this time you're going to get what you deserve....

(Steps out of the car wearing boots with _very_ big spurs.)

(NBC Studios.....)

COSTAS: Good evening everyone, and once again welcome back to Atlanta. The "gumbo controversy" continues to hang over the Theta Xi team despite the fact that the IOC has made no charges yet. During all this, the athletes have continued to compete. Jason Lowe, the Judo wrestler has now advanced to the medal rounds with his victory today. Also, the Theta Xi volleyball team takes the court tonight. We will keep you updated on the gumbo situation as the news breaks. Let's take you now to the Georgia World Congress Center for Greco-Roman wrestling.

(Commercial, and then over to Piedmont Hospital)

DOCTOR: Mr. Holland?

WOODY: Yes?

DOCTOR: Remember how that volleyball "fixed" part of your brain?

WOODY: Yeah?

DOCTOR: Well, your fall jarred that part back to normal again.

WOODY: Aw, no.

SKIPPY: Just think of it this way Jeff. You're not brain-damaged anymore. Heh, heh, heh.... ow.

(at a gas station in Unadilla, GA. Genay is on the phone....)

GENAY: No, that's UNADILLA..... I know it's not Birmingham! Gaah, what kinda of a dork do you think I am? .... okay I'm a dork that took the wrong bus. We'll try to hitch our way back or something.

PITTS: Actually, we're not too far from Warner Robins. I used to live there at one time.

GENAY: Well, I guess we better start walking....

(NBC Studios.....)

COSTAS: It has not been a good night for Theta Xi. With the Volleyball team and the soccer team both missing key players, neither team was able to win. Goalie Brian Pitts was missing from the soccer game. Apparently, he never showed up in Birmingham for some unknown reason. Missing also was Genay Jones and Paul Dragin who was thrown violently from a horse during the equestrian events. Dragin is recovering in DeKalb Hospital with minor bruises and lacerations. In their places, Monica Jarrett and Candy Fredrick filled in. The Theta Xi Soccer Club fought valiantly, but in the end it was Colombia taking a 2-0 victory. The Soccer team now has two ties and one loss.

(Pause.)

Theta Xi's volleyball team lost today to Brazil in three games. Setter Jeff Holland was missing from the volleyball game after suffering a fall out of a second story window. We aren't exactly sure what the cause was, but when we asked hospital roommate Rick Copeland about the injury, he laughed very hard for about a minute until he started groaning from his cracked ribs. One can only imagine what bizarre fraternity rite Holland was undergoing....

(Pause.)

Finally, Mike Smith and the Theta Xi team have been cleared by the IOC to continue serving their gumbo. Apparently, the IOC cannot determine what set off their drug tests, but nothing in the gumbo appeared to resemble any kind of drug. The United States Air Force however, has contacted Theta Xi about possible research into using the gumbo for jet fuel. (Pause.) Mother said there would be days like this. Good evening everyone.

SUNDAY JULY 28, 1996 DAY 10

(Sunday afternoon at the Theta Xi House in the Olympic Village. Chris Hardy strides into the house holding a dead squirrel by the tail in one hand and an air rifle in the other hand.)

LUTMER: That's not the same squirel you killed last week is it?

HARDY: Nope. I shot this one this morning.

CLARK: You do know that you get more points for hitting the targets than hitting squirrels?

(Chris walks into the kitchen and puts the squirrel in the freezer. Then he gets a jug of orange juice from the refrigerator.)

HARDY: Yeah, but targets don't move.

(Chris walks out of the kitchen, and Dan Rohats walks in. Dan opens the freezer door...)

ROHATS: Who put a squirrel in the freezer?? That's the third one this week!

(Chris sits down on the couch, just then David Scelsi and Gavin Desnoyers walk in with basketballs in their hands.)

HARDY: We have a basketball game today don't we?

SCELSI: Yeah. We're leaving for it right now.

HARDY: Nah. Guess I better go with you. (Chugs the rest of the jug of orange juice and leaves with Scelsi and Gavin. Just then, Tim Plemmons and Neil Jones walk in. Tim is carrying a discus.)

TIM: You said I was going to be throwing a disc...

NEIL: Well, it is a disc .... and stuff.

TIM: This isn't a frisbee. DER!!

(The baseball team arrives at the house. Alex Wyatt and Will Beaty come running through the house in their baseball uniforms...)

BEATY: GET OUT OF THE WAY! We're late for basketball!

(Meridith Moss and Leanne Isley enter next.)

LEANNE: We lost fifteen to nothing, somehow I don't think we're going to win a medal.

MERIDITH: I got a base hit! Does anyone want to hear about it?

LEANNE: (Rolling her eyes) She's told every person we've seen between here and the stadium.

MERIDITH: Does anyone wanna hear my story?

(Jeff Holland and Jeremy Greer walk into the house. Jeff has just returned from the hospital.)

MERIDITH: Jeff will listen to my story! Jeff, do you want to hear my story?

WOODY: (Sighs.) Tell me a story, Meridith.

MERIDITH: Okay, I'm up to bat and this really cute pitcher is facing me. Did I mention that guys in baseball uniforms rock my world? Anyways...

(Beaty and Wyatt come back through the living room in basketball uniforms....)

BEATY: OUTTA MY WAY!! WE'RE LATE!!

MERIDITH: (Jumping up and down and yelling) I'm telling a story!!!!

WOODY: (sighs.) Finish your story.

(Outside, Tommy Hampton is sitting on the swing as Beaty and Wyatt come out the door.)

BEATY: GET OUT OF THE WAY!! WE'RE LATE!!!

HAMPTON: I can get ya down to the Dome in no time.

WYATT: Uh.

BEATY: GET IN TOMMY'S TRUCK, DORK! WE'RE LATE!

(Tommy's truck goes bounding over the curb and up on the sidewalk down Techwood Drive, startling several athletes. Meanwhile, back inside of Theta Xi....)

MERIDITH: Okay, so he throws the first pitch, and I swing and miss, like most of this week....

(Jon Freeman enters the house with four women around him.)

FREEMAN: Hey everyone, this is the Russian Rythmic Gymnastics Team.

(Introduces the girls...) This is Svetlana. This is Olga. This is Katrina, and this is Anastasia. I taught her some english. Say hi, Anastasia.

ANASTASIA: (With heavy Russian accent.) Hey y'all.

(Everyone in the house oohs and aahs)

MERIDITH: Fine! I'll tell my story later! (Stalks out of the room as Todd Hanlin enters.)

TODD: What's her problem? (Sees Jon) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? You're playing in a tennis match in thirty minutes!

FREEMAN: (Rolls his eyes) Like I'm supposed to leave these girls lost and alone in Atlanta to go to some tennis match.

TODD: Gaaah!! When I get done with you....

FREEMAN: Hey girls, let's go shopping!! (The Russian girls all say ooh.) In fact let's leave now! (Quickly exits with the Russian gymnatics team.)

(As Freeman exits, Ed Shaw enters...)

ED: Hey, Freeman's got a lot of girls with him!

WOODY: They're Russian, too.

ED: Nah! Even European women dig that boy!

(Everyone hears the sound of an old pickup truck pull up outside of the house. Andy Coan looks out of the window.)

COAN: You know, unitl now I thought the Beverly Hillbillies was just a television show....

*DISCLAIMER* In the real world, this could never happen since the biggest city in the world to Billy Ray Podunk and Cleetus is Macon, but this is most certainly _not_ the real world.......

  (Everyone in the living room walks outside to see an old red pickup truck with two rednecks in the seats. Atop a huge pile of assorted things in the back of the truck are Brian Pitts and Genay Jones.)

BILLY RAY: Yeehaw!! Cleetus we made it to the big city!!!

CLEETUS: Well! Up until now I thought Cordele was the biggest thing I ever saw!

BILLY RAY: Well, Cleetus and I was on our way to the Tasty-Freeze when what did we find on the side of the street?

CLEETUS: What did we find, Billy Ray?

BILLY RAY: We found these two travellers from afar, don't you remember??

CLEETUS: Oh. Well, it turns out they were lost for a spell.

BILLY RAY: Now we weren't so sure that they weren't some dad-blamed Yankees comin' down to invade us, so ol' Cleetus had his ten-gauge on 'em.

CLEETUS: (points at Genay) ... but when the lil' one started singin' Dixie, we knew they were a'ight.

BILLY RAY: Couldn't get enough of the singin'. He sang Dixie for us all the way up here.

JEFFY: (quietly) Why am I not surprised?

CLEETUS: Anyhow, we thought we'd just bring 'em home and be on our way back to Unadiller.... ( a helicopter flies overhead.) BIlly Ray!! Billy Ray!! Iron Bird!!!!

(Billy Ray fishes through the junk in the back for his shotgun)

ED: NO!! NO GUNS!!! Olympic Security will pump us all full of lead!

BILLY RAY: Well, I reckon we'll just have to let him get away. C'mon Cleetus, this big-city business ain't for us. Been nice visitin', come visit us for a spell.

PITTS: Thank you.

(The pickup truck turns around and leaves the Olympic Village, quickly trailed after by an Atlanta Police Car. Genay watches the pickup truck leave.)

GENAY: I don't think they've figured out yet that I'm black.

SHERIDAN: I think I've seen it all now.

ED: Nah! We still have a week to go!

(Down at the Dome, Tommy's truck screeches right into a cargo bay under the dome. The passenger door opens and a dizzy Alex Wyatt falls out of the truck onto the ground. Beaty then jumps out.)

BEATY: GET UP! THE GAME'S ABOUT TO BEGIN!

HAMPTON: Y'all let me know if you need a ride back.

(Later the night, everyone is crowded around the television watching the Theta Xi basketball team play Team Croatia. Tracy and Jessica Rollo enter through the front door and sit down with the group towatch the game.)

JON JONES: Y'know, we aren't looking to good tonight.

LEROUX: It's still close. We're only behind by six.

(Everyone cheers as Gavin hits a jump shot...)

SHERDIAN: What's gotten into Alan? He's been playing like a madman tonight.

DEREK: He's the only one. The rest of team looks cold.

WOODY: (Sighs) Jon gets a whole Rhythmic Gymnastics team, I can't even get one Romanian gymnast.

TRACY: WHAT? You're still whining about that Elena girl? So you fell out of window! Get out there and try again, you baby!

SAFETY: She's right, you know.

LEANNE: Oh my gosh! Tad just blocked the ball!

(Everyone's attention is shifted back to the TV and cheers, but the situation looks grim. Theta Xi eventually loses to Croatia, their record now is 3-2, with one game left to make the playoffs.)

MONDAY JULY 29, 1996 DAY 11

COSTAS: Good afternoon. Theta Xi has claimed their fourth medal in these Olympics. Judo Wrestler Jason Lowe lost to Kim Il-Jung of South Korea, but still took the silver medal for second place. When the flags were raised, he requested that the Confederate Rebel Flag be raised. The IOC rejected his request, and the Theta Xi flag was raised instead.

(Out to Boxing where Vern is about is getting pounded by a Cuban boxer. Chris Hardy, Alex Wyatt, and Sean Williams are watching the match...)

HARDY: Wow. Vern is getting his butt kicked.

SEAN: Yeah. He's fighting someone twice his size.

(Alex gets an idea...)

WYATT: I'll be back in a minute. (Jumps out his seat and runs to the tunnel.)

(Meanwhile over at the World Congress Center, Coach Brian Lutmer is trying to get the Team Handball team fired up...)

LUTMER: Okay, I know its the last game for us. Okay, I know its the Italians who have mauled everyone so far, and I know that we haven't won one game so far..... (Pause), but the Italian women's cycling team is watching us today, and I can't have you all looking like dorks! We have a secret weapon, uh..... (points to Ed Graham in the stands) .... Ed Graham!

(Ed walks out on the court.)

GRAHAM: Do I get to use a stick?

LUTMER: No.

GRAHAM: (Visibly depressed.) Oh.

LUTMER: But you do get to hit people!

GRAHAM: (Much happier) Oh! Okay!

LUTMER: Now if you schmucks go out there and win, I'll .... (gets a wild look in his eyes) ... I'll do something crazy! (The team runs out onto the court.)

(Meanwhile, Alex Wyatt is running through the maze of tunnels in the McBasketball Dome. He pops out at ringside. Looks frantically around the ring. Sees a woman with a cup of Powerade.)

ALEX: Excuse me, ma'am. I'll buy you another Powerade. (Grabs cup. Drinks all of the Powerade in it and throws the empty cup onto the ring.)

VERN: (Looks down and sees the cup bounce across the boxing ring mat and looks at his opponent.) You dropped the cup.

(Up in the stands...)

SEAN: Hey look! Vern is beating up on that guy's arm!

HARDY: Vern must think he's playing Whaler. The other boxer's running away. (Every time Vern catches up to the other boxer, he starts whaling on his arm. Finally, the refree calls the match. Vern has won. The crowd cheers as the refree lifts Vern's arm. When the refree grabs the other boxers arm, he begins to cry.)

REFREE: There's no shame in losing, son.

BOXER: Naw, MY ARM HURTS!

(NBC Studios.....)

COSTAS: A dissapointing day for the Theta Xi soccer team as they needed a victory to advance into the playoffs. Brian Pitts returned to the goal for another shutout, but the Theta Xi offense could not convert and with no wins, this Theta Xi team finshes their Olympic run. Now let's take you out to the Olympic Stadium for Track and Field. (Olympic Stadium... Jeffy Lowe and Paul Wickersham are standing under the tunnel entrance...)

JEFFY: That was a pretty good high-jump, Clark. Congratulations.

CLARK: Well, I guess I'll be happy with 10th place. It _is_ the world's best competition.

JEFFY: Yeah. I've got the 400 meter race coming up in a couple minutes. Man, I'm going to get wiped off the track! Next time I see Todd I'm going to kill him.

CLARK: Did you hear how Tim did?

JEFFY: Yeah, pretty good. He placed sixth.

INTERVIEWER: Tim Plemmons, a pretty good finish for someone who has never competed in discus before? Do you have any explaination for for your success?

TIM: Uh. I like to throw the disc...... and stuff.

INTERVIEWER: So are you planning to compete in any other events?

TIM: Uh, no and stuff. I'm going to back to the house....

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for the interview!

TIM: .... and stuff.

(Later in the day, back to NBC Studios......)

COSTAS: ... and so the Theta Xi volleyball team falls to Brazil in four games. Setter Jeff Holland who has looked so superb in the last two games he has played in looked very ordinary today. Brazil took advantage of poor passing by Theta Xi to put this one away. Inside reporters tell us he has _not_ stopped consuming the gumbo, so there seems to be no connection between the gumbo and increased athletic performance. The Theta Xi team has now been eliminated from the volleyball competition.... and now for a NBC exclusive, we are going to take you inside the games with an interview with Toby Reyelts, an IBM employee working in the Fencing venue.

(the Georgia World Congress Center, an interview is standing with Toby Reyelts...)

INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Bob. (Turns to Toby) Toby, you have been keeping track of the scoring for fencing. Could you show how that is done?

TOBY: Sure! Well, it's actually pretty easy. You see, I wrote this application in PM programming. I used IBM's compiler on Pentium and generated a DLL....

INTERVIEWER: Huh?

TOBY: Oh. I wrote this program, you see. It, uh, keeps score?

INTERVIEWER: Um, thank you. Now Toby, you are brother at Theta Xi, correct?

TOBY: Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about this "gumbo controversy?"

TOBY: Uh, I don't like gumbo.

INTERVIEWER: Oh. (Pause) Toby, there have been charges that Theta Xi is giving themselves unfair advantages. See how you are an offical, how can we be assured that you are not helping Olympic Fencer Robby Rose in his matches.

TOBY: Oh, no, no, no. No! No, I'd never cheat like that. But it's built in the system so I can't possibly cheat. See, there's the function in the DLL that receives a parameter, I'll show you!

INTERVIEWER: Um, that's okay.

TOBY: No really! It's no problem, you see it's right on this line of C code

INTERVIEWER: It's really not neccessary....

TOBY: But you need to see this, (turns to the computer) all I need to do is load the debugger....

COSTAS: Sorry to interrupt you, Fred, but we have a major newsbreak here.

INTERVIEWER: No, thank _you_ Bob.

COSTAS: It appears the Theta Xi has pulled off one of the biggest upsets in Team Handball history. While Italy will still advance to the medal round and Theta Xi will not advance due to their 1-4 record, Theta Xi has still managed to emerge victorious over Italy. We interviewed their coach, Brian Lutmer after the game.

(A newly-shaved Lutmer appears on the screen....)

LUTMER: Who knew? I mean, who knew? (Holds up his hands in confusion....)

TUESDAY JULY 30, 1996 DAY 12

(The Aquatic Center at Georgia Tech where Alex Wyatt is about to perform his first dive.....)

ANNOUCER: This can't be right. According to this, Wyatt is performing a dive with a difficulty of 1.0

WYATT: (On top of the platform) Oh yeah, baby. (Alex runs to the end of the platform, jumps and curls his legs in a cannonball.)

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

JUDGE: (Now soaking wet....) We're not amused. (Holds up a 0.5)

(Wyatt climbs out of the pool, an American Diver is preparing to climb the ladder.)

DIVER: You know, the purpose of diving is to make as small of a splash as possible.

WYATT: (Thinks for a moment.) That's dumb. There ought to be an event where you can make as big of a splash as possible.... guess that will have to be my job.

(Meanwhile over at the Olympic Stadium, Brian Waters is preparing for the Pole Vault. Carter Roughton, Allan McDonald, Jennifer Steele and Leanne Isley are watching...)

STEELE: So, does Boogie have any chance to get a medal in this sport?

CARTER: Oh yeah, he will. Rough Ton Industries has installed a tiny bit of Plutonium on the end of the pole, since Boogie's a NE, we borrowed a little from Tech. The weight of end of the pole should give him the boost to get over the crossbar.

LEANNE: Plutonium? That doesn't sound safe.

CARTER: Like it's in a bomb! I'm tellin' ya, it's safe.

(Boogie starts to run towards the vault box with the pole....)

ALAN: Everything looks good so far....

(When he puts the pole in the box, the plutonium acheives critical mass and ... you guessed it. Boom.)

(Up in the press-box, annoucer Tom Hammond and his commentator survey the damage.)

HAMMOND: There doesn't appear to be anything left but the poles and the crossbar, there is no sign of Theta Xi athlete Brian Waters.

(The commentator nudges the announcer, hands him the pair of binoculars, and points towards the sky.)

HAMMOND: (Looking in the sky with the binoculars) It appears Brian Waters will beat the world record by a considerable margin! If he ever comes down.

LEANNE: (Looking in the sky) Oh my gosh, he's still going up!

(Finally, gravity takes over and the Boogie begins to accelerate in a downward direction. When he finally hits the mat behind the pole vault, it shakes the ground enough that the crossbar falls off the poles.)

JUDGES: Fault.

(Jeffy Lowe and Jeremy Myers, who are in the running events, run over to the depression that Waters has made in the ground...)

JEFFY: Brian, are you alright!

MYERS: That would some blast.

BOOGIE: Yeah. It kinda sucked. Could someone help me out. I can't feel any of my fingers or my toes....

(Meanwhile over at the Georgia World Congress Center, Mark Massarro is is about to compete in the Weightlifting event. Jeff Holland and Jamey Hammock are in the stands. Jeff is reading the newspaper while Jamey is building something with Legos.)

WOODY: So, who does Theta Xi have competing in weightlifting?

(Jamey looks at Jeff and holds up his index finger....)

WOODY: What? Oh no, we're not going through that again are we?

(Jamey holds up two fingers....)

WOODY: So how many questions do I get??

JAMEY: Okay, that's it!

(Jamey stands up and stalks down to the platform. He picks up a barbell with a whole lot of weight on it and walks up to the seats, lifts it above his head and drops it on Jeff....)

Don't get me motivated!

MASSARO: Ow! That looked like that hurt!!

(NBC Studios........)

COSTAS: Curiously, Hammock's clean and jerk was enough weight that he could have earned a bronze medal, but the Theta Xi left after dropping the weight on Holland muttering something about Legos. Holland meanwhile is now back in Piedmont Hospital, surprisingly with only minor bruises. We are unsure what motivated Hammock, could it be related to the gumbo? We'll keep you informed....

(Back at the aquatic center.....)

JUDGE: (Sees Alex climbing the ladder) Oh no! Not him again! (Grabs a megaphone) Look! If we give you a perfect 10, would you not do another cannonball?

(Alex pauses for a moment on the ladder to consider...)

WYATT: No. (He races to the top and jumps in the water again, in a cannonball position. Several of the judges open umbrellas)

(Cut to the Georgia Dome, Theta Xi has just defeated Italy to advance to the playoff rounds. The players are celebrating on the court. A reporter runs up to Will Beaty to interview him....)

REPORTER: Will Beaty, your team has just completed a successful run in the first round of the Olympic Basketball, what can expect from this team in the playoff?

BEATY: (Grabs the microphone) Let me tell all of y'all out there!! We are going to romp through this playoffs! Nobody stands a chance against us! Dream Team? Whatever! The Dream Dorks are going down! Wooo!!!

TAD: He did not just say we were going to beat the Dream Team.

GAVIN: He did, and boy are we ever going to eat those words....

ALLAN: (Looking at the ball) I just hope I don't end up eating the ball.

(Over at the Piedmont Hospital, Jeff is back lying in a hospital bed in the same room as Rick Copeland who is in traction in the bed on the other side of the room...)

WOODY: Hey, Rick.

SKIPPY: Oats, Jeff.

WOODY: I'm back.

SKIPPY: So I see. Am I to assume that your second encounter with Elena failed?

WOODY: No, I haven't even seen her again, Jamey dropped a barbell on me.

SKIPPY: Oooh, that's gotta hurt.

WOODY: Yeah. It does. I haven't seen Elena again.

SKIPPY: You dork! You're running out of time.

WOODY: Well, I can't exactly run out of here, can I? I don't think I can run at all right now.

SKIPPY: No, but they're only keeping you overnight. You'd better get moving if you're going to meet her!

WOODY: Yeah.

(Silence....)

SKIPPY: So I guess you could say that you need to "weigh" your decisions more carefully in the future.

WOODY: (groaning) Rick, that was awful.

SKIPPY: Thank you.

WEDNESDAY JULY 31, 1996 DAY 13

(NBC Studios.....)

COSTAS: Good evening. Tonight promises to be an evening packed with excitement. Micheal Johnson will be bidding for his second gold medal to win the 200 and the 400 meter races. First though, let's take you out to Olympic Stadium for the Javelin throw.

(Olympic Stadium. Tom Hammond Reporting)

HAMMOND: Thank you, Bob. Now throwing for Theta Xi is Mike Sobers.

(Sobers begins running down the track, as he throws the javelin, a judge sneezes...)

SOBERS: What? Hey!

JUDGE: Sorry.

HAMMOND: Not a very good throw by Sobers, he looked distracted at the last moment. The throw is going to be way off.

COMMENTATOR: In fact, it may not land on the field, it's heading for the pack that's running on the track in the mile race!

(Jeffy is running in that race. He looks up and sees the javelin coming towards him...)

JEFFY: Oh, suck!

(The javelin pierces through Jeffy's shoe, nailing him to the track. Jeffy instantly stops and his momentum carries him face-first into the track while the rest of the pack moves on.)

JEFFY: Sobers! You're lucky that went between two of my toes! I'm gonna kill you!

SOBERS: (To the judge) I do get another throw, don't I?

(Later, over at the Velodrome at Stone Mountain. Stephen Hall, Dennis Cox, and Carter Roughton are preparing Stephen's bike for the race.)

CARTER: Don't worry Stephen, Rough Ton Industries has got ya covered. This bike will bring home the gold. Oh yeah.

STEPHEN: Now, you're sure this is safe?

CARTER: I got ya back. It's safe.

(Stephen gets on the bike and rides to the start line. Carter turns to Dennis)

CARTER: What Stephen doesn't know is that I've installed two miniture rockets on the sides. When he starts the bike, he's already at the finish line.

(The gun sounds and Stephen takes off. Literally. The bike goes screaming across the velodrome, up the track, and over and off the edge.)

CARTER: Man! Stephen, you're not supposed the kick the left pedal, that's the afterburners!

(NBC Studios....)

COSTAS: It appears some protestors have gathered in Centennial Park, let's go out to Jim Gray who is with one of them now.

(At Centennial Park....)

GRAY: Thank you, Bob. I am here with...

(Danny Ray leans towards the microphone..)

DANNY RAY: Danny Ray Fesperman. This here is Mike Rogers, Big Chris Holt, Lin Kelley, and this here is John Gideon.

(All of them are standing in a circle with pickets....)

GRAY: And you are protesting....

DANNY RAY: Son! Now look here! Can't tell me that the Olympics have mountain biking as a sport, but there's no stock car racing! I want to know what fool planned this event.

GIDEON: That's right. If these games ain't sponsored by NASCAR they're not worth watching.

GRAY: Chris Holt, is this true?

HOLT: No cars, no fun. Love 'ya. 'ppreciate it. Get outta my face.

DANNY: Every day that these games go on and there ain't no racin, I get madder.

GRAY: There you have it Bob, apparently the natives are restless.

(Back in the studio....)

COSTAS: So, I see Jim, thank you. (Looks at camera and pauses.) So what will it be, IOC? Will Dale Earnhardt and Bill Elliot have a chance to win gold, if not here then in 2000? The debate rages on. Now for something different, let's go out to Stone Mountain for the archery competition.

(Stone Mountain, in the archery venue. Jon Preston and Brian Buckley are beginning their turn.)

PRESTON: Wow, these bows are really strong.

BUCKLEY: I hear when you pull them back, they can throw a 150 lb weight about thirty feet.

PRESTON: No way. There's no way the bow can be strung that tight.

(twang...)

PRESTON: I mean, let's be serious, Buckley. (Silence...) Buckley?

(Buckley is now firmly imbedded in the target, head first. The bow having propelled him, rather than the arrow.)

PRESTON: A bulls-eye! I say, good shot!

(Over at the hospital, a hospital orderly is rolling Stephen Hall, who now has a body-cast on a wheelchair. He passes Brian Waters who is also in a wheelchair. Off in the distance, a nurse rolls Brian Buckley in a wheelchair, with the archery target still on his head, by.)

STEPHEN: Brian! I didn't know you were here, too?

BOOGIE: Yeah. Yeah, I had some fun yesterday at the track meet.

STEPHEN: Say, I've got an idea. Have you considered putting some really heavy weight at the end of your pole for pole-vault for a counter-balance? Something like plutonium?

BOOGIE: Naw, man. Naw.... that would suck.

(That evening.....)

COSTAS: Theta Xi has defeated Chile in basketball to advance to the semifinals. This basketball team is only team sport Theta Xi still has in these Olympics. This unprecedented team will compete tommorrow. If they win, they will advance to the gold medal game to possibly play the Dream Team. Could we be seeing history in the making? Join us tommorrow.

THURSDAY AUG. 1, 1996 DAY 14

(Mid-afternoon at the Theta Xi house in the Olympic Village. There is a knock at the door. Bobby Baptist opens the door, its the Canadian Cycling team.)

CYCLER: Hey, we're like, your neighbors. We live over in that house (points to the Skull House.) over there. We thought we'd be good neighbors and say hello, eh?

BAPTIST: Oh. Hey.

CYCLER: So, like, how's the house the Olympic people gave you. Pretty nice, eh?

BAPTIST: Um, actually we live here year-round.

CYCLER: (Laughs) Take off, hoser! That was pretty funny, eh?

BAPTIST: Well, if you'd like to have a look around, come on in!

(The cyclists follow Bobby inside....)

(Inside, John Alexander, Adam Sheridan, David Hathcock, Meredith Moss, and Rob Kischuk are all sitting on couches. Andy Coan walks into the kitchen.)

BAPTIST: Everybody, this is.....

CYCLER: Oh, sorry. Jean-Claude Jones. My parents are from Manitoba.

(From inside of the kitchen, we hear a cry. Andy Coan emerges with a can of soda....)

COAN: Ladies and gentlemen! May I introduce a new Olympic Sport. (Holds up two cans....) Vernor's Softball!

(Everybody cheers and runs outside of the house. Jean-Claude and Bobby follow them outside.)

COAN: (Grabs a softball bat.) Okay, Mr. Sheridan, give me good pitch.

SHERIDAN: (Shaking the can of Vernor's) Here's a fastball comin' at ya.

(Throws the can to Coan and he smashes the can. Everyone cheers.)

CYCLER: Can I try? (Andy hands him the bat...)

(Sheridan throws him a pitch and he misses. Hathcock walks over to Jean-Claude Jones.)

HATHCOCK: Step aside and let me drive, Sparky.

(Jean-Claude gives the bat to Hathcock. Sheridan throws the can of Vernor's again and Hathcock smacks the can foul, it sails towards Sigma Chi and through a window. A Greek Weight-Lifter comes out yelling in Greek.)

HATHCOCK: (Points to Jean-Claude) Uh, he did it.

(Everyone runs back inside the house....)

(Over at the aquatic center, Mike McKnight is preparing for his dive for high dive competition. He looks down at the crowd and sees Alex Wyatt in the front row.)

WYATT: (Yelling) Don't belly flop!

MCKNIGHT: What?

WYATT: (Yells again) I said, don't belly flop!

MCKNIGHT: (Tries to read his lips...) Belly ... flop? (Alex nods...)

(Mike walks right up to the edge of the platform and falls face forward. With arms outstrectched, he is perfectly horizontal when he reaches the water. The SMACK resounds throughout the aquatic center and everyone gasps feeling his pain.)

ANNOUNCER: That's gotta hurt.

(Mike slowly climbs out of the pool. A reporter runs up to him...)

REPORTER: Mike McKnight, are you okay? That looked painful.

MCKNIGHT: Yeah. Yeah, it hurts a lot right now. In fact, I can't feel the front half of my body. Not even my toes and fingers.

REPORTER: Tell us, Mike. What caused you to decide on Diving.

MCKNIGHT: Actually, Alex Wyatt dared me. Come to think of it, Chris Hardy dared him. (Pauses) Why am I doing this?

(The reporter leaves and Wyatt walks up to Mike)

ALEX: .... so I said, "Don't belly flop."

(Mike looks at Alex with a confused expression, a couple seconds later....)

MCKNIGHT: Oh. I thought you said "I dare you to belly flop." (Pause.) Aw man. (Thinks for a minute) Aw man, that sure did hurt.

(Meanwhile, Alex can no longer stand up because he is laughing so hard...)

(Later that day at the Georgia Dome, the basketball semi-finals are almost over. Team Theta Xi leads 80-74 over Team Yugoslavia in the last minute...)

ALBERT: ... and so it appears that Theta Xi is assured another medal. The team will advance to play the Dream Team in the gold medal final on Friday in what should be the most lopsided game since basketball was invented.

(The horn sounds....)

MAGIC: There went the ratings for Friday night....

(A Candian Cyclist chased by an angry Greecian wrestler runs across the court....)

ALBERT: What was that?

MAGIC: (taking two aspirin) Man, I could coaching the Lakers instead of doing this......

(It's now evening and Phillip Markert and Jeff Holland are walking in the Centennial Olympic Park.)

WOODY: ... so she's a gymnast and I have no idea how to get in touch with her. I mean, she's famous and all and I'm just...

PHILLIP: Hey Voo-dee!! I've got an idea! Why don't you send her an e-mail?

WOODY: Huh?

PHILLIP: The Global Village! All the athletes have e-mail! You can mail her from there. (Points to the terminals in the global village.)

WOODY: Yeah. Send her an e-mail...

(Jeff walks up to a computer and begins typing....)

"I saw you in competition last week. Your movements were graceful and a thing of beauty. I hope to get a chance to meet you so that I can tell you how incredible you are. I think I love you. My name is Jeff Holland and I am with the Theta Xi team."

(Jeff clicks on the "Send" Button. The computer responds...)

COMPUTER: Your message has been sent to Anatoly Krushnikov, Ukranian wrestler.

WOODY: WHAT?? Oh, Louis!!

(Dives under the table of the computer. Finds the power cable and crawls across the ground as he follows it. He reaches the point where all the cables are plugged into a wall socket and he pulls it out.)

(Voices all around the Global Village say "Hey, my computer just went out!" and "Me, too!" Jeff pops back up from under the table and walks over to Phillip.)

PHILLIP: Hey Vood, we're studying computers at Tech. Maybe we can help figure out why the computers all went off.

WOODY: Uh, yeah. Great idea! (Fakes looking around for minute and plugs the computers back in.) Will you look at that? Someone unplugged the computers! Well, it's a good thing it's not a serious problem!

PHILLIP: Hey, yeah! Isn't e-mail great?

WOODY: Uh yeah. (Looks nervously at the computers) Aw man, I hope that e-mail didn't make it....

FRIDAY, AUG. 2 1996, DAY 15

(The Georgia World Congress Center. Randy Layman and Todd Hanlin are watching the wrestling competition.)

RANDY: Mike McKnight did a pretty good job, finishing fifth and all.

TODD: Yeah, our wrestlers have done a pretty good job.

RANDY: So who's next?

TODD: Oh, I forgot to tell you. You are.

RANDY: What??

TODD: Yeah, I registered you for the 68kg class. I couldn't find anyone else for that category.

RANDY: You have to be kidding me.

TODD: Nope. Here's your uniform. You're in the next match, so I'd get down there.

(Meanwhile over at the House in the Olympic Village, the couches are back out in front of the house. Jason Lowe, Ed Shaw, Heather Simon, Jennifer Steele, Jeremy Grelle, Roy Clarkston, and Jeff Holland are sitting outside. Jason Price is walking down Techwood towards the house, he arrives at the couches.)

PRICE: Anyone wanna go for a walk?

WOODY: (Thinks for a minute...) Sure. Let's go up to the Student Center.

(The two walk off away from the couches. As they cross Techwood Drive, they are nearly knocked over by a Greecian wrestler who is chasing a Candian cyclist.)

WOODY: What was that?

(Meanwhile, back at the World Congress Center, the situation doesn't look too good for Randy Layman. He is running away from the Russian wrestler, but the wrestler grabs him by the legs and drags him back to the center. He promptly picks Randy up and throws him to the mat.)

RANDY: (Who is now in a headlock...) Look, I have money! What do you say if I give you five hundred bucks if you let me fall on the mat and surrender.

(The Russian growls....)

RANDY: Okay! Let's talk kopecks! Rubles? I have a friend who has visited Moscow before....

(While Randy is being tenderized at the World Congress Center, let's hop back over to the Georgia Tech where Price and Holland are making their way to the Student Center when Jeff freezes, Price stops, too.)

WOODY: (pointing and whispering) Price! That's her! Elena Bobinschkiva! I've been trying to meet her for the last two weeks!

PRICE: (smiles and looks at Jeff) So what are you waiting for?

WOODY: Yeah. Yeah, go up to her and talk to her.

(Jeff walks towards Elena who is walking towards West Campus with a gym bag under one arm. She stops as Jeff approaches her.)

WOODY: Um. Excuse me? Elena?

(Elena looks at Jeff and nods)

WOODY: Uh. Let's see. I thought your performance at the Dome was awesome. You are..... uh, so cool. I think that... (at a loss for words...)

(Elena gives Jeff a puzzled look and then asks him a question in Romanian...)

WOODY: Oh. You don't speak English, do you? Uh. Let's see, how do I say this? (Points to himself) I ...

ELENA: Ah! (Blushes. She then pulls a pad of paper and a pen out of her pocket. She writes something on the first sheet, tears it off the pad and hands it to Jeff.)

WOODY: (Looks at the paper) Oh. Your autograph. Well, thanks, but actually I ... (looks up. She is gone.) Hey, where did she go?

(Suddenly the sun is blocked out as a large object behind Jeff overshadows him.)

WOODY: What? (Turns around. A large Ukranian wrestler is growling and glaring at Jeff.) Let me guess. Your name is Anatoly.

(The wrestler growls.)

WOODY: Somehow I knew that. Luis.....

(Since this story is intended for a family audience, we won't describe the beating that Jeff endures. However, we will say that Jason Price said "Suck!" at least ten times as he watched the beating.)

(NBC Studios....)

COSTAS: In an unheard of gesture of international comradery, the Theta Xi men's basketball team invited the Dream Team to their house for dinner on the eve of their clash for the gold medal tommorrow. We took the opportunity to get a word with team captain Will Beaty earlier today.

(Beaty is in front of a bunch of microphones. He is standing next to the basketball court inside SAC.)

BEATY: We're just inviting 'em over for a little gumbo and conversation. (Shrugs.) I don't think it's that big of a deal.

(Back in the studio....)

COSTAS: We have a cameraman down at the Theta Xi house now, let's take you down there.

(The Theta Xi House. There are people everywhere. The members of the Dream Team are mingling with the Theta Xi brothers and a cameraman is roaming around the room. Will Beaty walks up the cameraman and grabs the camera.)

BEATY: Get in here!

(He drags the camera and the cameraman into the kitchen where Mike Smith is cooking the infamous gumbo. Beaty proceeds to ladle a bowl of gumbo and hand it to Grant Hill and then ladle himself a bowl.)

There! We're eating from the same pot of gumbo! Now I don't wanna hear NOTHIN' about an unfair advantage!

(Meanwhile Randy Layman and Jeff Holland are sitting on the porch, both too sore to move.)

RANDY: You know, big wrestlers can really hurt you.

(Pause.)

WOODY: Yeah. Tell me about it.

RANDY: (Gives a wierd look to Jeff.) Huh?

(Over on the stairs, Meridith Moss and Leanne Isley are talking to John Stockton)

MERIDITH: Okay, so there I was at the plate. By the way, guys in basketball uniforms are cute, but guys in baseball uniforms are just....

(Leanne rolls her eyes and walks away. Stockton sees Anfernee Hardaway and quickly walks over to talk to him.)

MERIDITH: Hey, I'm not done with my story. Come back, Mister Basketball Player!

(Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal are standing in the corner in the living room each with a bowl of gumbo.)

BARKLEY: This stuff is good.

O'NEAL: (Shoving another spoonful into his mouth.) Uh-huh.

BARKLEY: I think I ate too much.

O'NEAL: Uh-huh. Me too.

SATURDAY, AUG. 3 1996, DAY 16

(The Theta Xi House. Jeff Holland comes stalking into the house. Only Alan McDonald is in the living room, he is reading a newspaper on the couch.)

WOODY: That's it! No more gymnasts! I'm sick of gymnasts! If I see another gymnast, I'm going to throw up!

ALAN: Did you try to meet that Romanian chick again?

WOODY: Yes. Olympic Security beat the crap out of me when I tried to get in her dorm. I'm an athlete, fer cryin' out loud! Doesn't that mean I can visit other athlete's dorms?

ALAN: Sorry, man.

WOODY: So now, I am going to my room! To be alone! I DON'T want to be bothered! (Stalks upstairs and slams the door. Allan resumes reading the paper.)

(It's lunchtime at the Olympic Village. Dan Rohats, Dave Hathcock and Mike Rogers are eating in the dining hall.)

ROHATS: Y'know, the best part about these Olympics is the free food.

(Dave flips a spoonful of mashed potatoes at Dan.)

ROHATS: Hey! You dork!

ROGERS: (points at Dan) Bwah hah hah!

ROHATS: (Holds up a spoonful of mashed potatoes) You shut up!

(Flings the potatoes at Mike, who ducks. The potatoes hit a Brazilian soccer player in the back. The Brazilian player turns around with a handful of mashed potatoes. He flings them at Dan.)

ROHATS: Aigh! (Ducks.)

(The potatoes hit an Argentine soccer player. The Argentine flings cup of Coca-Cola at the Brazilian player. The entire Brazilian team stands up and begins to throw food at the Argentines. The Belgian rowing team stands up and chooses sides by throwing food at Brazilians. Soon it is an all-out food-fight.)

ROHATS: Oh, suck! (He and Dave drop beneath the table. Mike throws a salt-shaker and nails a Chinese diver between the legs and then ducks.)

(Back at the fraternity house, there is knock on the door. Allan opens the front door. There standing at the door are Shannon Miller and Amanda Borden of the U.S. gymnastics team.)

MILLER: Does Jeff Holland, the Theta Xi Volleyball player live here?

ALAN: Uh, yeah. He's .... kinda busy right now.

MILLER: Oh. (Pause.) We were kinda hoping to meet him.

ALAN: I'm sorry. I don't think now is a good time. I really am sorry.

MILLER: Thank you. (They leave and Allan shuts the door.)

(The dining hall, during this time, has become a war zone. The South Americans have formed a pact and are bunkered by the juice machines. Meanwhile, the English and the French have agreed to attack the Irish athletes with their creamed corn and are preparing an assault as they hide behind a set of tables. The U.S. athletes have taken the gravy hostage and are hiding behind the service counter. Dan, Dave, and Mike are underneath the table that they were sitting at.)

HATHCOCK: Well, you sure got us in a good situation, Sparky. What do we do now?

ROGERS: Give me some more salt shakers. The Canadians aren't covering up.

ROHATS: Okay, we've got crawl out of here somehow. Maybe we could use a distraction.

ROGERS: I got your distraction. Now give me some salt shakers!

(Back at the house, Jeff has come back down stairs and started reading the paper. After a while, Alan speaks up.)

ALAN: Oh, Jeff. I forgot to tell you, some girls came by asking for you.

WOODY: (Looks up from the paper.) Oh yeah? Anyone I know?

ALAN: No, I'd never seen 'em before. Maybe they're some of your friends that I never met before.

WOODY: Did you get their names?

ALAN: (Thinks for a minute.) Aw man. I'm sorry.

WOODY: Did you get their phone numbers? (Alan shakes his head.) Addresses?

ALAN: Sorry.

WOODY: Favorite colors?

ALAN: Nope.

WOODY: SHOE SIZES?

ALAN: Gosh, I'm sorry, Jeff.

WOODY: ... and you don't know who they were???

ALAN: Uh, no.

WOODY: AL-AN!!!

(Later that evening on NBC. The big game is about to begin...)

ALBERT: Good evening everyone. Magic Johnson, we are about to witness history in the making. The Dream Team team is about to play the Theta Xi basketball team. What must the Dream Team do to defeat this ragtag band of college students?

MAGIC: Um, show up?

ALBERT: I see. The U.S. has been the favorite throughout these games. Tonight with a victory, they will cap off their quest with a gold medal.

(On the court. The Dream Team is warming up.)

BARKLEY: Man, I ate too much of that stupid gumbo last night.

ROBINSON: Yeah, me too. I ain't feelin' so good...

(Speaking of food, let's see how our heroes Dan Rohats, Mike Rogers and Dave Hathcock are faring in the trenches.)

(Rohats crawls back to Hathcock and Rogers who are still under the table.)

ROHATS: Okay, the South Africans are about to launch a full-scale assault with their fruit cups. I think that's our chance to escape.

(There is a roar as fruit goes flying overhead.)

ROHATS: Okay!! Go! Go! Go! (The three crawl on the elbows and knees between the tables and out of the dining room.)

(Back at the Georgia Dome...)

ALBERT: Three pointer by Robinson..... Yes! Theta Xi is ahead 20-16 in the first part of the first half. Magic, the Dream Team looks sluggish out on the court.

MAGIC: I can't explain it, Marv. They all look like they're running under water.

(On the bench, Grant Hill sits down next to Bobby Cremins.)

CREMINS: Whatsamatter? Youse guys are moving too slow out there!

HILL: Ugh. Ate .... too much.... gumbo.

(... and so going into halftime, the world is shocked as Theta Xi leads 57-50.)

(Matt Seale, Jennifer Steele, Danny Coyle, Carter Roughton, and Jon Jones are watching the game. Dan Rohats comes in during halftime and sits down. He has a big gravy stain across the front of his shirt.)

SEALE: What happened to you?

ROHATS: Just... don't ask.

(Back at the Dome, we are in the closing minutes, Theta Xi leads 88-78.)

STEELE: I don't believe this! They are actually going to win!

(McDaniel rebounds the ball and passes it to Gavin who passes to Beaty who dunks the ball. The Dream Team is having trouble keeping up.)

(On the U.S. Bench)

LENNY WILKENS: You're telling me you _all_ ate too much last night?

(The players, all looking sick, nod.)

(A pass over to Alan McDonald who hits a bank shot. 92-80.)

ALBERT: Time is running out. This is astonishing. In one and a half minutes, the Dream Team will lose their first game ever. Theta Xi is gliding up and down the courts while the Dream Team is still looking sluggish.

MAGIC: I can't explain it, Marv. It's like they all took a sleeping pill before the game started.

(Two minutes later, the buzzer has sounded and it is over. History has been made as the Theta Xi team celebrates their first gold medal. The players are mobbed by the Theta Xi brothers in the seats as they celebrate their victory. A couple of minutes later, they prepare for the medal ceremony. The Theta Xi basketball team is standing on top of the platform.)

ANNOUNCER: ... and now ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the Theta Xi National Athem.

(Silence.)

(An IOC official walks up to Will Beaty.)

OFFICAL: Um, we don't have a national athem for Theta Xi.

BEATY: WHAT?

OFFICAL: Well, we didn't count on Theta Xi actually winning a gold medal. I mean, really!

BEATY: (muttering) Dork.

(Will McDaniel begins singing "Amici" and the rest of the brothers join in as the Theta Xi flag is raised to the rafters with the American and Yugoslavian flags. After they are done...)

MCDANIEL: 1 ... 2... 3... 4!

(The brothers break out in the rounder's song as the confused athletes and fans leave the Dome.)

ALBERT: Indeed, it is pandemonium here at the Georgia Dome as the unthinkable has happened. The Dream Team has gone down in defeat to the Theta Xi team. We hope to get some interviews later and bring them to you tommorrow. Good night, everyone.

SUNDAY, AUG. 4 1996, DAY 17

(Morning at the Olympic Stadium. Theta Xi has several entries in the marathon. Smiley Turner, Jeffy Lowe, Jeff Holland, and Jeremy Myers are all participating. RJ Helms is watching nearby.)

MYERS: TEN MILES!

WOODY: TEN MILES!

MYERS: Ten miles is .... a long distance.

WOODY: Yes, it is.

MYERS: Um, the marathon is longer than .... ten miles.

WOODY: Yes, it is.

JEFFY: Man, how did you two get in this race? (Looks at Scott) That's a nasty black eye, Scott.

SMILEY: Yeah, the Cuban gave it to me in the semifinals. I gave him a standing-eight-count in the second round, but he just wouldn't fall.

(Jeffy tries to comprehend Scott in a boxing match...)

JEFFY: Uh, yeah. So anyway, how far do we go before we turn around back to the stadium.

MYERS: All the way out to Oglethorpe University and then back to the stadium,

JEFFY: Yeah, well, it looks like we're getting ready to start.

WOODY: So RJ.....

RJ: Don't you dare.....

WOODY: Tell us a little about yourself.....

RJ: You dared....

WOODY: Interests, Hobbies, Talents?

RJ: You better be glad you're running a race...

WOODY: You just know you can't catch me. (Guns sounds) Oops! Time to start (Starts to run away...)

RJ: Why you..... (jumps out of the stands and starts to chase Jeff with the marathon runners.)

(About five miles later, Jeff and RJ are huffing and puffing slowly down Peachtree Street)

WOODY: RJ .... *huff* you're still ... *puff* .... chasing me?

RJ: Yes, *gasp* and when I..... *huff* catch up to you..... *puff* you're a dead man.

(Suddenly Kevin Burris comes running up beside Jeff. Kevin is wearing a full backpack on his back and is carrying a gym bag. Kevin slows down to keep pace with Jeff.)

BURRIS: Hey, Jeff. What are you doing?

WOODY: *huff* I'm .... running .... the marathon.

BURRIS: Oh. I'm going to grocery store.

WOODY: (gasping) Really?

BURRIS: Yeah, I can't take my truck 'cause the dang Olympics shut down the streets. Isn't that just wrong?

WOODY: Terrible.... especially .... when we're .... running on them.

BURRIS: Yeah. (The two run together for a minute.) Well, I better go, Beaty wanted me to pick up some Cokes for the machine. (Kevin takes off and pulls far ahead of Jeff.)

(Over at Georgia Tech, Carter Roughton, Andy Johnson, and Rob Kischuk have gone up to the Student Center to play Q-Zar.)

SAFETY: It's mighty gracious of the Olympics to pay for us to go around shootin' people.

KISCHUK: So, who are we playing anyways.

SAFETY: I think it's us and the Swedes against the North Koreans and the Chinese.

CARTER: You mean I get to shoot pinko, rice-eatin' commies? Man, if that doesn't rule like a yardstick, I don't know what does.

(Back on the streets of Atlanta....)

RJ: Hey..... Jeff.

WOODY: (gasping) Yeah.... RJ?

RJ: Why don't you.... *huff* ... slow down so I can hurt you.

WOODY: Say.... Jeremy. How far have .... we run?

MYERS: Not TEN MILES yet.

WOODY: Ungh. So why... did I volunteer.... for this anyway?

(Woody and RJ are then passed by a Canadian cyclist running as fast as he can...)

WOODY: Hey! Aren't you the guy that visited us a couple days ago?

(The cyclist yelps as a growling wrestler from Greece jumps out of the crowd and starts chasing him down the street.)

(About five miles later as the marathon runners are heading back towards the stadium. The gold medal for the marathon has already been awarded, Jeremy, Scott, and Jeffy have left Woody behind for a while, but he is still moving on when Kevin runs up to him again, this time with cases of sodas on each shoulder.)

BURRIS: Hey, Jeff, whatcha doing?

WOODY: Still..... running .... the marathon.

BURRIS: Oh. Well, I got Beaty's cokes.

WOODY: Great.

BURRIS: Hey Jeff.

WOODY: (Exasperated) Yes, Kevin?!?

BURRIS: You're not using a computer right now, are you?

WOODY: No! I'm just.... running.

BURRIS: Good. I couldn't bear it if you were using a computer in the marathon. I mean, with all these foreigners around, I might hafta kill you.

WOODY: Well.... thank goodness I chose.... not to!

BURRIS: Well, I better get back to campus. (Once again speeds up and passes Jeff again.)

(Back at Q-Zar, the scores are being printed out.)

KISCHUK: Wow, Carter! You got the highest score!

CARTER: Well, of course! What do you expect when I'm shooting bug-eatin' Marx-loving, Commie-pigs? Man, they're lucky I didn't have a real gun! Too bad there weren't any enviromentalist around. I've always wanted to hunt some of them tree-huggin', sandal-wearin', granola eatin', toad-lickin', spotted owl kissin', kangaroo rat lovin'.....

(After going on for five-minutes, Carter realized he is now all alone)

(And so these games are coming to a close. The athletes and fans have gathered in the Olympic Stadium for the Closing Ceremonies. Sarah Hennessey is down on the field preparing for her routine during the Olympic band's performance when Jeff Holland comes walking into the stadium...)

SARAH: Jeff! What are you doing here?

WOODY: Running..... the .... marathon! Now where's the finish line!

SARAH: I'm not sure, the marathon ended hours ago, I guess somewhere over there (pointing to the track.)

WOODY: Who...... *gasp* won?

SARAH: Some Canadian I think. It was quite a celebration, the police had to pull off some guy from Greece who was congratulating him.

(Up in the stands, Jeremy Myers and Jeffy Lowe are sitting down in the Theta Xi athletes section...)

JEFFY: Ungh... I'm never running a marathon again.

MYERS: Yeah... that was definately longer than TEN MILES.

JEFFY: Who is that down there?

MYERS: I... think it's Jeff.

(Jeff is pushing his way through the dancers, band members, IOC officials to walk over to the stands. He walks up to Will McDaniel, who has brought his Les Paul guitar to the closing ceremonies...)

MCDANIEL: Ah, Jeff Holland!! I've been playing a couple of tunes for the athletes!

WOODY: (collapsing into a seat) That's nice.

MCDANIEL: But all the Europeans keep asking for stuff by Toto and Asia and David Hasselhoff! David Hasselhoff!!

WOODY: You know what they say....

MCDANIEL: Ah yes, GERMANS LOVE DAVID HASSELHOFF! They also say that GWINNETTIAN WOMEN......

WOODY: Yeah, but it ain't true for Romanian women.

MCDANIEL: Cheer up, pal. Maybe some things weren't meant to be (Pats Jeff on the back) Hey, you're all sweaty, man.

WOODY: I just ran the freakin' marathon!

(Over in another section of the stands, Adam Sheridan, David Scelsi, and Seth Robinson are watching the festivities.)

SETH: Where's Alex Geyling?

SCELSI: Yeah. I don't see him anywhere.

SHERIDAN: He said he was going to "volunteer" to put out the flame.

(Outside the stadium, the security is escorting Geyling and a large fire hose away....)

GEYLING: I got yer' closing ceremonies!! Hey, let go of me!!

(Inside, the Olympic Stadium. Woody is now talking to Alan McDonald.)

WOODY: You don't remember _anything_ about them?

ALAN: Nope. Never seen 'em before. Wait. Maybe I've seen 'em on TV.....

WOODY: (slaps his forehead) ....they're famous????!!!

ALAN: Maybe. Sorry, man.

(And so the ceremony continues, the flame is put out and the diginitaries speak. The Theta Xis aren't paying attention and continue their partying, until the ACOG official mentions Theta Xi.)

OFFICIAL: ... and these games have been made unique with the entry of Theta Xi. They have ... erm... provided amusement ... and made competition interesting, in this their FINAL entrance in the Olympics. Thank you.

(Applause. The offical walks over to the Theta Xi crowd.)

OFFICIAL: Heh. You kids think you pulled a fast one over on us, but the last laugh is ours! Now you've got to pay up your fees.

FERGUSON: Huh?

DANNY: What is he talking about?

OFFICIAL: That's right. I bet you didn't know that each country paid a fee to enter their athletes into the Olympics. Not only that, there are fees for living in the Olympic City, food, bed, and even those stupid pins we gave you when you arrived! All of your little butts now belong to ACOG. YOU WILL NEVER LIVE IN YOUR PRECIOUS HOUSE!!! BWAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!

ALEXANDER: Wrong!

OFFICIAL: What?

(The crowd parts and Ed Graham and John Alexander emerge, they are carrying a huge stack of paper.)

ALEXANDER: Here is your bill!

OFFICIAL: What is this?

ALEXANDER: This is a tabulation of all the money you owe Theta Xi and Georgia Tech for using our property, tearing up our side walks, forcing us out of school, and for clean up after the Games! Ed and I have computed it out.

HOLT: So that's where the kid has been these last two weeks!

GRAHAM: We can put you on a financial plan and it won't take long for it to be paid off.

BEATY: Wahoo! Party at the house!

(... and indeed the night is ended with a party at the house, and as I am sure you know, a Theta Xi party is all a story of its own, so we'll just join you tommorrow for the aftermath....)

FRIDAY, AUG. 9, 5 DAYS AFTER THE OLYMPICS

(The campus is a shambles. Trash and papers lie everywhere. The Olympic Staff is busy cleaning up. The house is a mess, too. No one has cleaned up since the end-all throw-down on Sunday. )

COAN: (slams door) THIS SUCKS!!

ALAN: What?

COAN: Now that I'm no longer an American citizen, I have to pay out-of-state tuition! This sucks!

BURRIS: Man, we're all foreigners now.

SEALE: Neil's got the situation under control. We're applying for asylum in the United States.

MCKNIGHT: How long is that going to take?

SEALE: I don't know, but the entire Cuban Baseball team was ahead of us when we were in line.

(Dan Rohats walks into the house....)

GREER: Where have you been, Dan?

ROHATS: Man, I got pulled over for speeding!

GREER: Uh oh, how big was the ticket?

ROHATS: It wasn't! I claimed diplomatic immunity! Being a foreigner rocks!

BURRIS: Man, we're all foreigners.

(Rick Copeland and Randy Layman enter the house...)

ROHATS: Skippy! You're back from the hospital!

SKIPPY: Yes, Dan. I'm back. Most of the bones in my body have knitted, I should be able to excercise normally in a couple of months. Though I don't know if I'll ever have the desire to excercise again.

(Todd Hanlin, Jeffy Lowe, and Vern come out of the house...)

TODD: Well, it was a lot of fun, but we have to go back to work and lead normal lives. Have fun studying. (Laughs and leaves)

WOODY: See ya!

(Mark Messarro and Paul Dragin walk up to the house. Mark is carrying a a long strand of barbed wire...)

DRAGIN: Look what we borrowed from ACOG.

MARK: Yeah, we figured they wouldn't need it on their fences anymore, so we're going to put it in our room.

BEATY: Why does that frighten me?

(In the living room, Will McDaniel and Brian Lutmer are playing chess...)

LUTMER: ...and so you see, the Socialist Society of Sweden could never function properly in America.

MCDANIEL: Well, yeah. Our fraternity won more medals than they did in these Olympics. Check.

LUTMER: No! No! Because ABBA would never have sounded the same if they had lived under a democratic society! (Moves a Chess piece.)

(On the second floor, Jon Jones and Mike Sobers are walking down the hall...)

JON JONES: So, Mike did you get any Olympic leftovers?

SOBERS: Oh, a couple of things. (Walks into his room where the Olympic Caldron is ablaze and shuts the door.)

JON JONES: How did he fit that..... never mind.

(Alex Wyatt and Mike McKnight are throwing the frisbee behind the house.)

MCKNIGHT: You know, I don't think I should have done that belly flop.

ALEX: Your chest is still numb?

MCKNIGHT: Can't feel a thing.

(Just then, Phillip Markert and Ed Graham drive up.....)

GRAHAM: Well, we're back from settling ACOG's debt with us.

ALEX: What did we get?

PHILLIP: They sold us the velodrome!!

MCKNIGHT: The what?

PHILLIP: You know, that big stadium where the bicycles race around??

ALEX: What..... (pauses, trying not to laugh) are we going to do with a velodrome???

GRAHAM: Oh, (thinking about it....) rats.

(Outside on the porch, Meridith is telling her story to Alan McDonald)

MERIDITH: Okay, so there I was at the plate...

ALAN: I really have to go, Meridith, I'm sorry.

(Alan quickly leaves, Meridith spots Sammy Simmons...)

MERIDITH: Sammy, do you want to hear a story?

SAMMY: Aw no, Meridith. Don't make me listen to that story again!

MERIDITH: Pleeease.

SAMMY: Can I have a date with Marietta?

MERIDITH: It's Muretta, and no!

SAMMY: Then I don't wanna hear it!

(Meredith chases Sammy into the house...)

MERIDITH: Okay, so there I was at the plate.....

(Inside, Jeremy Greer and Matt Ferguson have just entered the house.)

GREER: We got 'em. We're going to Salt Lake City!

SMITH: Got what?

FERGUSON: Tickets. We're going to the winter games.

WOODY: (Standing up) Oh no! No more Olympics. I've endured enough pain!

GREER: C'mon, Holland! They've got Ice Hockey!

WOODY: (turns to McDaniel) ...and Russian Figure Skaters

MCDANIEL: (shrugs) I could be talked into going...

SKIPPY: Did someone say Russian? I'm there! I could learn to skate...

LEANNE: Oooh, and Colorado is nearby. Let's go!

MERIDITH: Take me! Take me!

GRAHAM: (walks into Phillip's room) Hey, Phillip? Do you still have those passwords for the Olympic databases?

(...and so life begins to resume to normality around our favorite fraternity house. And what is the fate of our brave adventurers wanting to go forth to the Winter Games? Heh. Guess you'll have to find out in 2002...)