07.21.05
And we don’t know where we’re going, but we just love getting lost…
(The title of this entry is from one of my favorite songs by The Normals, “Romeo on the Radio.”)
Ever take a second to sit back, look around yourself, and ponder “How the heck did I end up here? And where the heck am I going next?”
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I’m at an age where pretty much all of my friends have settled down, started having babies, and, for all intents and purposes, have started acting like adults. :gasp: I guess we might as well act like adults - heck, most of us are in our mid-to-late twenties at the moment. It’s gotta happen sometime.
But, at the same time, I don’t feel like a grown-up sometimes. Most of the time, I feel like a kid who’s playing like they’re a grown-up. And that I’d better do a good job acting like I’m a grown-up for fear that someone will snatch away my disguise and discover that I’m a kid who really has no idea what she’s doing in life.
I guess that’s my dilemma at the moment. I’ve been in Baby Central the past year or so, with two close friends giving birth, one more due to have her first baby next week, and yet another who just told me she’s expecting in February. My boss is pregnant, and my boss’ boss is pregnant as well (at the age of 45!!). I am more than ecstatic for all of them, and I plan on spoiling each child rotten in due time. 
But at the same time, it makes me wonder what God has in store for me. Since Jeff and I are approaching five years of marriage this December, people have started inquiring as to when Jeff and I plan to start a family. In short, I guess the answer would be “When God wants us to have one.”
I oscillate daily as to whether or not I think I’m ready for the challenge of children. Some days I’m like “Bring me all of them - I can raise them all!!” But other days, especially the days where I can barely take care of myself and get myself home in one piece or the days where I crawl into bed then suddenly remember I haven’t fed the cat at all that day, I wonder if I’m cut out for it at all. Add that to the fact that I know Jeff goes through the same emotions every day as well.
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that I’m at a very frustrating, odd point in my life. One where I’m not sure where I fit. It used to be that when my girlfriends and I got together, we’d talk about boyfriends, then eventually husbands, and that was all well and good, because I could contribute and laugh along with them. Because we were all at the same stage in our lives.
But, that’s begun to change over the past year or so. I’ve found myself at gatherings since then where I find myself standing there and not saying anything for 15 minutes in a conversation because I really have nothing to add. I know this is a natural progression of things, and it will change when the day comes that God blesses Jeff and me with children. But it’s still awkward and hurts a teency bit sometimes.
Anyway, to bring this around, I guess this is where I just need to hand it over to God and stop brooding over it. Life’s a journey, and if you know where you’re going all the time, some of the joy of getting to your ultimate destination gets lost.
CJ Said:
July 22, 2005 at 2:29 am
I like reading this, even though it’s a sucky feeling, just because it reminds me that the awkwardness I’m experiencing is NORMAL. and even though I would rather just not feel awkward, it’s good to know that I’m not alone, and it’s not a single thing, and it’s not a 24 thing, and it’s not a “I’m crazy” thing… it’s life. And that’s comforting.
So thanks.
Jeff H Said:
July 22, 2005 at 9:08 am
Yeah.
It’s a very, very difficult thing to give up the feeling of “I’m not at the point that everyone thinks I should be at” and hold on to “This is exactly where God wants me.” So hard.
Geof F. Morris Said:
July 22, 2005 at 11:44 am
:hug:
Desperate Housewife Said:
July 22, 2005 at 11:47 am
A-I often feel the same way–like I’m playing grown up. I’m sorry too if baby talk has been taking over lately. I probably exacerbate it because I spent so long being the only mommy in the group and that was a little alienating.
I’ve been feeling alot like I don’t know what I’m doing either…like I’m not a very good mom…or friend or wife….Anyway…all this to say I love you and am here for you…Don’t be afraid to say shut up about the babies already!
Lisa
Adriene Said:
July 22, 2005 at 9:18 pm
I don’t think it’s that I want you guys to stop talking about babies, so don’t think that!!! I think what it is, is that you guys are at a point in your lives that I am not, and until I am, it’s gonna be a little weird.
This isn’t about you guys accommodating me - it’s about me being okay with where God has me right now.
Kari Said:
July 23, 2005 at 11:18 am
I understand that, too, Adriene. I know we’re not ready to have kids yet, and it’s not that my friends are intentionally being hurtful or that I begrudge their conversations being focused on babies a lot of the time . . . it’s just that a lot of my friends are older, and when they were working I had lots of free time and now I’m working and they’re stay-at-home moms with easier schedules, and I just feel left out. Of course, they probably envy things about my life, like uninterrupted sleep and quality time with the husband. It really does boil down to being content in your circumstances.
Roger Said:
July 25, 2005 at 6:01 am
I completely understand and live much of this post (not all, but much). There’s more that I could say, but I think I’ll just leave it at this so as not to confuse anyone (especially myself).
Desperate Housewife Said:
July 25, 2005 at 10:45 am
We can be a little more sensitive to your feelings though. You guys have been more than accomadating to me while I’ve been the only one with kids. just trying to be supportive….i love ya! :hug:
kristen Said:
August 10, 2005 at 11:57 pm
I got here via Kari’s blog…
I’m 23, a college graduate and I have a one year old daughter and I’m pregnant again. I’m in the opposite of your situation. None of my friends have kids. No one’s planning any in the near future. That makes me feel alone. I moved to a new city right after my daughter was born and somedays, frankly, I am alone. But my kids weren’t planned (our daughter more than her in utero sibling) and when they were conceived it was a huge flashing sign that God’s ways are higher than our ways, and his plans are the ultimate ones. I didn’t feel ready. I don’t think anyone does, honestly. But God made me ready and has given me the grace every day to be a mother. I’m scared out of my wits to have two children 18 months apart. But I know that God is faithful.
There are definite advantages to waiting, but we also felt we had big advantages to having a baby one month shy of our first anniversary. God is faithful. If and when you have children, you’ll be ready.